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Sunday, June 29, 2008

In Trance..


Deepak you are so special to me . Actually, 'm wrong! how can you be special to me since for this you have to be a being separate from me and you are "one with me". And, similarly there is one more thing in this whole world other than you which is as close to me as you are-"My Seclusion."
I do talk to my friends and i really talk anything with them. I have no problem with that. But, there are some things that i can not tell them, share with them, and be what I'm in real with them as I'm with you and with My Seclusion. My Seclusion is what i love to be, do, have, own, and love to be with. there are moments when i clean my room, draw the curtains, lit the lamp, spread my books, my cards, my small small acquisitions, and read things i love to read and re-read. In these moments i talk to someone ethereal-someone who is a non-existent entity- who is mine and knows me from the moment when my mum conceived me. This particular phase is of a trance and i want you to be part of it. May be you are not getting what i mean to say or what m asking for. you might be thinking what a trivial thing i asked you that is just to be with me. No, if you understood this , you are wrong . I've asked you -"You from you." I may be sounding crazy. But i want whole of you. I want even that part of you of which you yourself are not aware of.

I want you Physically, Emotionally, Socially, and above all Spiritually

Since morning i have been trying to avoid this state of my mind but it was of no avail and i succumbed to its temptation with the fall of dusk. i was surrounded by my books, my diaries, small paper chits with some of my observations written on them, paper cuttings, magazines, paper bags of different sizes ( Oh! how crazy 'm for them. I just love buying and owning paper bags), greeting cards, post cards (One of my passions) folders, (handicraft, plastic and paper), and several other small small pretty useless stuff but of great worth and value to me. Everything has some memory/ some event/ some feeling attached to it.

I wanted to share this mood with you but you were not available and i felt disheartened since i was so eager to share this phase of my mood with you. But, no worries. You were genuinely engaged in some important matter so not angry with you. Just little melancholic about it. That's it. i get transported to a very serene and beautiful world where i no more feel pain/sadness and not even i feel elated.. i'm just calm.. soothed down.. my spirit is at rest.

My soul becomes poetic, (though, still fails to create some beautiful verses), my spirit dances to its own beautiful and enchanting tune in circles...

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

reflection on what happned today....

One of the most uncontrollable thing in the world is "inner workings" of human mind. The irony of the situation is that we keep on reading, researching, finding ways to decipher its "doings", and at the end what we get is again a big question mark over whole of the hypothesis.

We , ourselves don't know what all we desire . What we are striving for? We say something and we mean something else.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Things to be taken care of...

I want things to be in order- cloths properly stacked in safe, books arranged properly, no dust in room, curtains stain free and unsoiled, windows clean and dust free, no spider webs in nooks. And, almost whole of my day goes in cleaning and dusting my room. how can a person live in untidy and cluttered place. Even a dog before sitting cleans the place with its feet, why my brother and sister can not. how long it takes-just few minutes to arrange things. I can not study, i can not have sound sleep if things are so untidy and deranged. If everyone gives in little effort and keep things back into their places after use, there won't be any problem. Besides you really get peace of mind when your living space is airy, fresh and organized.
today i took whole day to clean up the room/dusted every nook/object/doors/windows/walls and thought that today I'll have a good sleep but that was my wishful thinking since erstwhile Divya was afraid of sleeping upstairs and dad didn't allow me to sleep alone and now, today she is not feeling well. So, Nicky, honey this is your damned fate after long day of hard work you are forced to sleep downstairs in drawing room. My studies, my lifestyle, my whole being has been topsy-turvy just because of this reason that i couldn't use my room the way i want to. Earlier, when i was in Dilshad Colony we had separate rooms and i had privacy where i could enjoy doing everything and i excelled in studies unbelievably. Now, I'm not getting that fervor back since all the time i keep on hopping up & down half of the study material in system and for that go downstairs, again when you need some book go upstairs. Can you believe literature studies and that too master level can be done this way. To read one novel, rather say to complete one novel you need halluwa lot of critical references and it's really not possible practically to carry along all the xerox copies and books up & down whole day. I really get exhausted not physically but mentally that how and when 'm going to study. Preposterous!!
i keep on saying "please guys do take care of your things" but who cares. One is busy doing job and personal entertainment all the time and the other has her own body aches and friends. Mum thinks i keep nagging like an old spinster but it's really intolerable to see disorganized living space. it's ruining my precious time. And it's really not an excuse for not accomplishing my work. it's really an honest confession that i can not live happily and have no stable mindset when my living space is not in an organized manner and tidied up.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Let your heart .. have its way..

Frozen


You only see what your eyes want to see
How can life be what you want it to be
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

You're so consumed with how much you get
You waste your time with hate and regret
You're broken
When your heart's not open

Mmmmmm, if I could melt your heart
Mmmmmm, we'd never be apart
Mmmmmm, give yourself to me
Mmmmmm, you hold the key

Now there's no point in placing the blame
And you should know I suffer the same
If I lose you
My heart will be broken

Love is a bird, she needs to fly
Let all the hurt inside of you die
You're frozen
When your heart's not open

If I could melt your heart

Good one..

What Makes You Different (makes You Beautiful)

You don't run with a crowd
You go your own way
You don't play after dark
You light up my day
Got your own kind of style
That sets you apart


Baby, that's why you captured my heart
I know sometimes you feel like you don't fit in
And this world doesn't know what you have within
When I look at you,
I see something rare
A rose that can go anywhere (go anywhere)
And there's no one
I know that can compare


What makes you different, makes you beautiful
What's there inside you, shines through to me
In your eyes I see, all the love
I'll ever need
You're all I need, oh girl
What makes you different, makes you beautiful to me

Hey, yeah
You got something so real
You touched me so deep (touched me so deep)
Say material things
Don't matter to me
So come as you are
You've got nothing to prove
You won me with all that you do
And I want to take this chance to say to you



You don't know how you touched my life
Oh in so many ways I just can't describe
You taught me what love is supposed to be
You saw the little things that make you beautiful to me (so beautiful)
What makes you...



Everything you do is beautiful (so beautiful)
Love you give shines right through me (shines right through me)
Everything you do is beautiful (oh)
You're beautiful to me (to me)

Backstreet Boys - What Makes You Different (makes You Beautiful)

i just love this song...

What Goes Around... / ...Comes Around Interlude

Hey girl, is he everything you wanted in a man?
You know I gave you the world
You had me in the palm of your hand
So why your love went away
I just can't seem to understand
Thought it was me and you babe
Me and you until the end
But I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way it's really going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around
That you were gonna make me cry
It's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find...

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

Now girl, I remember everything that you claimed
You said that you were moving on now
And maybe I should do the same
Funny thing about that is
I was ready to give you my name
Thought it was me and you, babe
And now, it's all just a shame
And I guess I was wrong

Don't want to think about it
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it
I just can't do without ya
Can you tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
That's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that
What goes around comes around
Yeah
What goes around comes around
You should know that

Don't want to think about it (no)
Don't want to talk about it
I'm just so sick about it
Can't believe it's ending this way
Just so confused about it
Feeling the blues about it (yeah)
I just can't do without ya
Tell me is this fair?

Is this the way things are going down?
Is this how we say goodbye?
Should've known better when you came around (should've known better that you were gonna make me cry)
That you were going to make me cry
Now it's breaking my heart to watch you run around
'Cause I know that you're living a lie
But that's okay baby 'cause in time you will find

What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around
What goes around, goes around, goes around
Comes all the way back around

[Comes Around interlude:]

Let me paint this picture for you, baby

You spend your nights alone
And he never comes home
And every time you call him
All you get's a busy tone
I heard you found out
That he's doing to you
What you did to me
Ain't that the way it goes

You cheated girl
My heart bleeds girl
So it goes without saying that you left me feeling hurt
Just a classic case
A scenario
Tale as old as time
Girl you got what you deserved

And now you want somebody
To cure the lonely nights
You wish you had somebody
That could come and make it right

But girl I ain't somebody with a lot of sympathy
You'll see

(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey
(What goes around comes back around)
I thought I told ya, hey

[laughs]
See?
You should've listened to me, baby
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Because
(What goes around comes back around)
[laughs]

Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around... / ...Comes Around Interlude

soul..

oh Lord save me.. save me from my inner self.. it will swallow me down.. i don't know how to say.. i mean You know everything.. nothin' hidden from You.. I'm going insane.. something has happened to me..
You know what..... I keep on reading those mails written by him almost daily.. and cry whole night out.. wondering at my meanness.. what happened to me..

i'm getting sick day by day.. i can not tolerate it anymore..save my soul Lord.. You know what i have been through.. nobody to blame definitely.. But then i couldn't help may be that was destined to happen.. but don't do this to me..

i wake up eyes swollen.. reddened with weeping.. help me.. please.. i need You badly.. why You always do this with me..i'm going on extremes.. and today i cried beating my chest for long hours..My mind is tired and exhausted..... i'm really sick n tired of myself..... try to understand me .. at least You.. how to tell him .. what all i have been through..

how to get back the lost time and rectify everything.. i can't do that simply.. but how to console my heart..it aches.. it torments me to hell..i was not what i was acting then..

You know .. i never lied You.... how could i..

Saturday, June 14, 2008

i have to talk to you.. i can't help..

There are things that i want to tell you.. i want to say.. "don't keep that phone down even for a sec"..."don't disconnect".. why, why is it that theses words keep stuck in my throat and i feel like crying.. my heart wrenches. i want to tell you please do keep on talking to me.. don't go away.. i feel so scared.. so insecure..
but my rational part says.." Nicky u being so kiddish.. he has lots of things to do.. lots of important tasks to accomplish"..
"am i not important then..
"ohh this argument... why don't you understand..
" i do. but i don't want to.."
"then alrite keep on fighting lets c how far u'll go with all this too melodramatic stuff"
".. aah how bad of u.. to behave so indifferently with me.. when u are the only one whom i can talk to in a time of distress."
what a lovely and funny sight i make while arguing like this.. and it's not in your matter alone.. it's always.. in loadzz of things.. when my heart and head moves apart and start fighting..
but the most important thing is i don't know how to say "i'm hurt".. though i'm saying this right now.. but not when it is required that is when i'm supposed to tell it.. aah i go blank..
i sent card to you.. and i was not getting how to ask- "did u see that?".. what a fool of me.. i was waiting waiting.. n waiting but .. u didn't say anything.. and i didn't ask you..
i knew you were offline still i messaged you.. i asked "did u see card".. cuz that time you were not there.. how queer.. it is..
But then you know i can not hide anything.. either this way or that i have to blurt and same i did.. but but but.. again i was not able to come up with the thing-"i'm hurt"
.. and what you think i'm doing right at this moment.. i'm trying to say that i was hurt.. when you said.. " tell me something which you said and worked" i was aghast.. i really was at the verge of going numb.. when you- in all of the world asked me such thing.. i's stupefied.. this man.. oh my god..whom i showed my soul naked is saying this.. i really felt bad.. but truth is always bitter.. and i have to accept it.. i never accomplished anything in my life .. and i have nothing to feel proud of .. on myself..

....mujhe gham hai ke maine zindagi main
kuch nahin paya.. ye gham dil se nikal jaye
agar tum milne aa jao...

{ you must be thinking what a big drama i'm.. and good at changing the topic :)}

Ankhiyon ke jharokhon se maine dekha jo sanwre
tum dur nazar aye badi dur nazar aye
band karke jharonkhon ko jara baithi jo sochne
man mein tumhi muskae man mein tumhi muskae

ek man tha mere paas wo ab khone laga hai
pakar tujhe hai mujhe kuch hone laga hai
ek tere bharose pe sab baithi hun bhool ke
yunhi umra guzar jaye tere sath guzar jaye

jeeti hun tumhe dekhke marti hun tumhi pe
tum ho jahan sajan meri duniya hai wahin pe
din raat dua mange mera man tere waste
kabhi apni umeedon ka koi phool na murjhaye..

main jabse tere pyar ke rangon mein rangi hun
jagte hue soyi rahi neendon mein jagi hun
mere pyaar bhare sapne kahin koi na cheen le
man soch ke ghabtaye yahi soch ke ghabraye

ankhiyon ke jharonkon se
maine dekha jo sanwre tum dur nazar aye badi dur nazar aye

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Heart Wishes for Little

Sometimes it seems 'm losing count of time and at times i feel it's too gruesome to beat the time.. how very strange....few things that keeps me in good state of mind and health-Dance, Writing (not the one i'm doing nowadays), work, music, & peace at home.

few people makes me feel good.. Bauji, Cheena, Deepak, Ma, Rakhi, Yashica (now i don't get to meet her, will somehow get in touch back again)

few things i want to do for my self only.. running wild in the direction opposite to wind, deep down into the sea, let my body loose in mid of water and let it float, eat mud (Earth), Krishna Bhakti.. and become "jogan" .. wander singing songs..forget the world and people around, write stories and become the one-Storyteller, adopt a girl child.. rear her up, make her stand on her feet,

few things i want to accomplish... want to become not only a good wife but want to be a soulmate of my love.. so that he never feels me as an entity isolated from his flesh and soul.. get "My HOME" back..open an old age home and orphanage( i see lots of old people humiliated, insulted a by their own kids, left alone to cry their heart out in dark..it's so heart wrenching.. lots of kids go without food, no parents, no shelter.. i hope i can do something for this cause someday)

few things i wish for.. may hunger and poverty dies (It makes me sulk, and at times i don't even want to swallow the food down my throat.. feel so guilty, when thousands of them are going without food every day)

Communion with My Lord !!

i'm tiring myself out... know not what i want .. or may be i know what i want.. whatever be the case the picture is vague.. i want to start a work of my own.. i can not, i simply am not able to work for someone . still i'm doing that..because i need time.. i need funds.. i need to plan ..
Right now i'm so much in muddle that howsoever efforts i put won't be able to get out of this pool.. since lots of matters are pending.. lots of issues to be solved.. lots of decisions have to be made.. only then my life will be steady enough to live..
yeah my ideas seems weird but let them take shape.. and see i can make gold out of silver...it's not a wishful thinking..
Everyone thinks that i'm crazy.. yeah i know this very well before anybody else..i left my M.A. English in middle.. how i yearned to get admission into Masters in English Literature and when i got i stepped into such a messy thing.. which ruined my studies.. nobody except me is responsible.. and i knew it this year i can't clear MA.. so i dropped most of the papers..
But i have thought over this and many other issues..and i'm going to implement everything that i have planned out and outlined as a course of my life.. i'll lead my life the way i want to.. "no rubble rouser would be allowed".. But .. (how i hate this word 'BUT') 'm waiting for one particular decision and that You will take.. I have left Everything on You.. don't be heartless.. and Please be lill more kind.. i know You are already still I need lill more support..You know this very well what all i need and if i won't get that I'll ruin everything.. everything.. and this is not my "EGO" talking to You just me and 'm telling you rather say confessing once again that how destructive i am .. Please i really need you to be more considerate.. i know You have been watching over me since long long time.. b and i had always been an insolent kid unheeding to what all You suggested/hinted/ instructed.. but then You know how direly i need you.. and always keep tugging at You.. i really do accept that i use foul words for you but then come on.. i'm not bad and i never meant all that.. it's just that i don't want to confess in front of everybody that I Love You and Trust You blindly..
And, Hey, don't You think i'm trying to impress/ becoming a Sychophant.. It's all true and genuine .. right from my soul..

Friday, June 6, 2008

kayal hue hum....



Haazaron kwaashen aisi ke har = khwaish pe dam nikle,
Bahut nikle mere armaan, lekin phir bhi dam nikle.

Thousands of desires, tantalizing one and all,
Many a wish have I realised; yet I yearn for more.

Nikalna khuld se aadam, ka sunte aae the lekin,
Bahut be aabroo ho kar tere kuche se ham nikle.

Often have we heard about Adam's exile from Eden,
Humiliating much more was my exit from your door.

Magar likhwae koi usko khat to ham se likhwae,
Hui subah aur kaan par dhar kar qalam nikle.

Those I thought would sympathize with my wretched state,
Turned out to be the victims of an even harsher fate.

Mahabbat mein nahin hai farq jeene aur marne ka,
Usi ko dekh kar jeete hain, jis kaafir pe dam nikle.

There is little difference in life and death when we are in love,
The same infidel sustains our life, for whom we pine to die.

Kahaan maikhana ka darwaaza Ghalib, aur kahaan waiz,
Par itna jante hain kal woh jaata tha ke ham nikle.

The preacher and the tavern door are things wide apart,
Yet yesterday I saw him enter, as I was coming out.


Haazaron kwaashen aisi ke har khwaish pe dam nikle,
Bahut nikle mere armaan, lekin phir bhi dam nikle.

Thousands of desires, tantalizing one and all,
Many a wish have I realised; yet I yearn for more.

.....

Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqder se pehle
Khuda bande se ye poche bata teri raza kia hai

Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqder se pehle
Khuda bande se ye poche bata teri raza kia hai

Sitaron se age jahan aur bhi hai aur bhi hai
Abhi ishq ke Imtehan aur bhi hai aur bhi hai
Sitaron se age jahan aur bhi hai aur bhi hai
Abhi ishq ke Imtehan aur bhi hai aur bhi hai

Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqder se pehle
Khuda bande se ye poche bata teri raza kia hai

Tu shaheen hai, Tu shaheen hai, Tu shaheen hai
Tu shaheen hai, Tu shaheen hai Parvaz hai kam tera kam tera
Tere samne Aasman aur bhi hai
Tu shaheen he Basera kar Paharon ki chatano per
Tu shaheen hai tu Shaheen hai tu shaheen hai

Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqder se pehle
Khuda bande se ye poche bata teri raza kia hai

Khudi ko kar buland itna ke har taqder se pehle
Khuda bande se ye poche bata teri raza kia hai
bata teri raza kia hai
bata teri raza kia hai

Deep....

I knew a gal frm Delhi.Her name is PJ.
She was a wonderfull frn and I had a very good time with her.
But then some unfortunate things happened and circumstances
made me loose her.That was about 2 yrs back.Now things have changed.
Both of us have matured and I have understood my limits.Now,with just simple and honest intentions,I would like to get in
touch again..Could you help me get her?


yeah and then i helped him get her..

who got whom..?

Being nostalgic....

What a beautiful time was that.. when me and Pinku, sitting on chairs , dangling our feet used to sing title tracks of all the Doordarshan serials in unison. Usually it was a Sunday ritual that we must have to observe starting right from Rangoli.. and no end..
in week days there were some other serials like Junoon, Kanoon, Kismat, and many more...

This tradition of singing in unison extended further, while traveling via train.. we used to sing aloud our favorite tracks ... letting other passengers have free-of-cost entertainment..Mum used to made us sit on the top berth and then started our journey...
that Antakshri of country and Capitals' names, Cut( a game of songs where in the fellow player is supposed to say cut and begin singing other song)

aaya aaya chenu waali jhun jhun ka baba.
potli mein hari bhari pariyon ke par.. mandiron ki ghantiya.. khalisaon ka baagh..
aaya aaya chenu wali jhun jhun ka baba
(oh ! how i forget these lines.. fumbling and mumbling words.. words that were imprinted in my mind long time back)..
aah.. how i miss those days.. innocence.. sheer bliss..

tap tap topi topi
top mein jo dube... far far farmaishee..
dekhen hain ajube
ulat palt ralat salat sain..

i wish i could recall all the lines..