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Monday, July 28, 2008

.. i bow down to you

Mother of mine you gave to me,
All of my life to do as i please,
I own everything i have to you,
Mother sweet mother of mine.

Mother of mine when i was young
You showed me the right way
Things should be done,
Without your love where would i be,
Mother sweet mother of mine.

Mother you gave me happiness,
Much more than words can say,
I pray the lord that he may bless you,
Every night and every day.

Mother of mine now i am grown
And i can walk straight all on my own,
I'd like to give you what you gave to me,
Mother sweet mother of mine.

This was the prayer i had in my 10th class. one of the best ode on mother..

Communion.....

I'm mazed into the labyrinth of my own thoughts.. not even a single way out of this.. no more my heart is able to sustain the strain ...Lift me in Your arms.. so that i can be at peace for a while.. Why You gave this birth.. did i ask You.. You do whatever You feel like and i have no rights.... and the worst is when You don't even bother to answer me.. I'm talking to You .. how many times do i have to tell You.. how long You will make me wait like this.. i don't want to wait.. Speak to me at least when m in such state.. I don't want to lose myself thus.... Give me hint..Show me my calling .. and then blame me if i don't listen to that.. I'll You know.. My lips uttered .. No to Your Existence... but if this is what i think then why i keep on talking to You.. because You exist.. somewhere.. hidden from me.. my mortal eyes..One day i know.. even You will ask for the clarifications.. aaah.. what a pain that would be to me..

Like a sunflower which follows every movement of the sun
so i turn towards you to follow you my lord
in simplicity , charity i follow
in simplicity honesty i follow
in simplicity fidelity i follow
like a sunflower which follows every movement of the sun
so i turn towards you my lord..




My lost world.....

How beautiful it sounds when someone says i'm missing you.. when someone says i had nobody to turn to so i turned to you..i was knew that you are the only one whom i can look back to and will not let me down..i was feeling low.. and knew talking to you can uplift my spirits even if you talk for few seconds.. it's really a brilliant feeling when you see someone considers you this much importance..

Of course Sonu you can call me anytime.. wake me from deep sleep and say .. wanna talk to you.. i will be happy to hear you out little girl..

I'm glad that Sonu felt so.... i just am glad.. and what i like about her is that she says everything with so assurance in her voice.. i do remember when she was in Bangalore.. she called up and said I'm missing you.. actually i messaged her just a good night message and in turn she called up and said "m missing you Prachi.. and then after talking a while she bid goodnight to me.. then white light flashes on my mobile and the message said.. do good night messages regularly.. i love reading them.. today i have so many reasons to be glad of..

Till date she was in Delhi never on new year i had been alone.. 2006 was the last new year eve.. and count down night that we spent together..
and then never my new years went good..


i remember in 2003 or 04.. i don't remember exactly.. it was raining on the night of 31st Dec.. star gold was showing Titanic and we both set out for evening masti to Lal Quarter..
back at home....coke, pop corns, "mungfali-revri-gazzak" and "razai".. room heater.. and all of us .. me.. sonu.. ma.. papa.. pinku.. cheena.. in one razai.. and sab khane peene ka saman in the middle and watching new year programs..and later in night we danced.. in PJs.. ohh what great fun we had..

whole night dancing .. and then we flung our bodies on bed.. and after some efforts and fights with Pinku.. made him switched off lights of our room and shut the door behind..
and then we girls cuddled together and drowned down into deep slumber..

It was amazing.. we're still in college..
and lo! i forgot that first CP trip .. that was the first time we both girls went to Connaught Place (CP) for first time on our own.. each saying at home .. she know all routes.. hahahaha and none of us knew any route.. just got on to the bus.. (as far as i can force my memory it was 317) and went for adventure.. spent whole money in purchasing room posters, trinkets, and several other useless things.. and later on the way devised plans what to say at home for getting late..

we're simply crazy for room posters..ice creams on chilling December nights.. golgappe..night walks..late night girlie talks and Sonu's statement that "I'm romantic kind of person and Prachi you are not.." i still wonder why she felt so...but this hardly mattered to me..in those days .. and even today..

and yeah how can i forget tradition of dress exchanges..i was real crazy for her purple top... and she was crazy for every dress of mine.. jab aati tab ek utha kar bhaag jaati..
pehle i was little fat and she was lean.. then i got lean.. reduced about 8 kgs.. and became equal to her.. and then she gained weight.. and finally things balanced in between us and both could use each other's dresses...

aur woh Pinni banwana aunty ke sath..
i miss those wonderful days.. i wish i could get them back.. i want to live in my past ..
one which had good memories...

every word.. that you wrote gives a new derfinition to me..

deep...one of the best writers i have ever seen in my life 8:08 AM

Me: it's b' oz u love me 8:10 AM
d for daffar.. love you 8:10 AM

deep...nahin 8:12 AM

deep..this is a honest statement 8:13 AM
pakka se
i would love to see u writing some novel or anything someday
tumhari writing hamesha serious hoti hai
n at times it may not appeal to normal people who r nt very good in english
i dun think u can add humor in yr writing...n make it simple...may b like Chetan Bhagat whose writing appeal to common man,.,,
u love to use tough words which may appeal to certain intellectuals only

was written long time back....

when language becomes deficient in expressing what all your soul contains, comes in play your touch.. human touch is such an intense thing that can express all joys.. n sorrows with utmost intensity..it can express your love.. love that can n never be summed up in words.. that can not be felt with eyes.. that can never be uttered out...warmth that your touch lends.. the feel of support that your touch lends on an old man's arm.. .. your hands caressing a child provides more security or your words?.. i may be sounding weird.. since lots of things are in sway in my mind..do i really think.. but i never felt so...?

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Words matters a lot....

I have been struggling since night.. sleep flew away to some unknown realm..and left me writhing with anguish in my bed.. why deserted me.. i felt so hurt... i wanted to sleep.. but it just couldn't come to me.. or rather say was so adamant.. knowingly left me thwarted..
words.. they have the power that nothing and none in the world can ever possess.... they can break ice..
they can make rocks come rolling and break down into small pieces..
think twice before you speak.. but then don't think too much since .. thoughts that take great time to be put into words are certainly wise .. but mean.. they are enwrapped with something selfish.. more worldly.. not innocent....not genuine cares.. (i think this? or i feel this...)

at times unknowingly we hurt people with our harsh words.. and we tend to forget what we have said.. and usually these words are act of impulse.. but they hurt..
certain things are not to be spoken of..
should not be meant even..
of course we didn't mean to hurt but it happens... of its own..harsh words.. may they were not that harsh..
not even meant to be..
but .. had no control so slipped out of mouth..
but it seemed as if they were stuck somewhere in the throat and was waiting for an outlet...{we talk of me also....}... i never realized it happened.. i'm sorry for this...may be a just a vehemence.. but they were.. they were given life.. when a word is spoken.. it's endowed with a life...

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Again something pricked my thoughts....

I have been thinking from past few years to create something very beautiful. and, what that beautiful creation can be? sometimes i wonder I'm wasting.. I'm getting wasted.. i cannot live like this.. i have to save myself..
the world around me needs to know lots of things which they are really missing.. and i'm the one.. or say i have the potential to tell them..
yeah .. i can show you so many things.. i can lead you into the world where one tends to forget the worldly self and transcends into a different being.. who has no ties to weep for and wail for..why? don't you want to see such a world.. Metamorphosis is the word.. yeah how stupid of me to forget this.. and, i want to witness this metamorphosis happening in front of my eyes..

I read Ovid's metamorphosis.. and it was beautifully versified..
i have always read.. grasped the essence, absorbed it within my inner self.. and living with what all i have read and learnt and observed till date in my life but never i have been able to bring my thoughts into fruition..
i would like to become Homer.. be blind and wander singing my tales.. as he sung heroic tales of great Greek and Trojan warriors..
i would like to be like Jonathan Swift.. struggle whole life for getting the rights for my people and hate the mankind for its atrocities and compassionless world... but i like humans .. they are interesting creatures.. i being a part of this mankind.. what they are is not of any great interest but the way they tends to change color like chameleon and then profess exactly opposite of what they do..is of great interest to me.. it tickles my imagination.. makes me wonder at them.. the way they behave with each other..

Monday, July 21, 2008

i'm going to tell you...

Everything i have done in my life till date has been inspired by my impulses. It's all the game of instincts.. nothing has ever been decided or pre-planned. I can not even tell anyone what would be my next step. It's as if a gush of wind passes me and i act accordingly.
I have never wanted to take up literature.. or rather say i had no idea of what literature is till my higher secondary education. the only subjects i knew were medical/engineering/CA/IAS. It's my less percentile score in 12th that made me enter the world of Literature, muses, authors, philosophers,abstractions and much more. I could not have been what i am now if i would have not chosen this subject. but then what i am in present... what i'm? why i'm? Did i achieve something?

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Charm of faery eve..


Once upon a time there was a girl who loved sunset instead of sunrise. Why? Why so? Sunrise is symbolic to optimism, progress and everything fair and true. Then why sunset... it's soothing, it resembles her spirit... Which is as serene and as calm as sunset. Sunset hides all the ugliness that is visible in the daytime. It loves you irrespective of your appearance and looks. Bright Sun makes you stand stark naked in the light of all that is truth and reality. It doesn't bring airy spirits with it, brings monsters of the conscious mind. Sunset transcends you into the world of fairies, where you are free to be what you are. Its pink clusters lend you wings... wings of dreams and desires. "Oh Lord! Deliver me from the pain of being in this world. Lift me up and hold me into your arms... sing a lullaby to me so that I can rest in your lap forever". This is what the soul that flies into the sky pray to its lord...


Watching the charm of fairy eve with pink clusters right above you high in the sky... pink sun, descending down ... how enchanting... what an enchantress the evening is. It makes me cry... I yearn more and more for this beauty... it seems as if some music is floating in the air... "Kahin door jab din dhal jaye, saanjh ki dulhan badan churaye, chupke se aaye, mere khayalon ke aangan mein geet sunaye..."

Monday, July 14, 2008

Angst....

My love hurts more than it soothes someone.. how to make myself better... ain't i better? seriously? How come?..

I love like as if i want every breathe for me.. how can it be possible.. shame on me.. to make someone so insecure.. so terrified.. to make someone cry... love is not meant for crying.. but i cry for those whom i love and make them cry.. when they fail to understand what i wanted to convey.. i can not voice out.. but every statement of mine.. every anguished word.. every indirect comment or taunt shouts.. screams and says one and only one thing "i love you and this is how i love, you are mine and no one else's .. " mum.. you are mine and belong only to me.. How torned i feel when you give special attentions to someone.. i don't hate the person.. i hate you for bestowing your cares and attentions on the person.. i hate you for this.. and this hate is the extreme of my love.. my feeling for you.. do you understand...? it's not me who is at fault .. it's you who is at fault.. you made me like this .. you gave birth to me.. what can i do if i'm this way.. i knew..... this will happen nobody will be able to bear with me.. nobody could tolerate this .. the idea of extreme love and passion is really romantic but it becomes a dread.. when it hinders your personal life.. and your freedom.. and i think this is what happens.. i start interfering with personal lives.. this is too bad of me..

I never want to hurt someone.. just want to make the other person feel the love i bear in my heart.. i'll come running from my death-bed.. if you'll call once.... i know i want to mingle and become one flesh and blood.. but it's not possible at least till we are locked up in this mortal frame....
I'm feeling bad for her.. .. why You keep on doing this.. don't You feel bad.. how ruthless You act at times.. Please.. put some sense in her head and tell her that if you won't respect yourself , no one will ever.. you are the most important being .. don't let anyone take advantage of your goodness.. No man is ever bigger than the truth.. Plato once said.. surmount the fear and fight out the humiliation and respect your self esteem, dignity and happiness... this is what all i can say..
And, You please try helping.. lest.. 'm poor in front of You.. i cannot say anything to You but yeah i can be sad and angry with You..You reading na...

Friday, July 11, 2008

just a thought..

Chetan Bhagat narrates the story of a boy who commits three mistakes in his life. At times I wonder is it possible that we can count the number of mistakes we commit in the span of our lifetime. May be not since of few mistakes that our conscious mind allows to accept in public we remember and acknowledge and tends to forget those which can not be pronounced publicly and even to the self.

seriously......???

So that's the idea. I'm to live without eyelids. Don't act the fool, you know what I mean. No eyelids, no sleep; it follows doesn't it? I shall never sleep again. But then - how shall I endure my own company? Try to understand. You see, I'm fond of teasing, it's a second nature with me - and I'm used to teasing myself. Plaguing myself, if you prefer; I don't tease nicely. But I can't go on doing that without a break.

-Sartre No Exit

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

......desperation...

Na jis din teri meri baat hoti hai
na din guzarta hai
na raat hoti hai....

How diffiult it becomes to survive.. when you have developed a habit and some kind of alterations and interferences comes in between.. you are not able to re-adjust yourself.. molding and re-molding your habits becomes too difficult... you are not ready.. rather say you are not willing to accept even the slightest of the change in the schedule..
and i'm feeling bad..
bad bad bad..
shall i tell you why..
no i don't think so..
but not your fault..i understand well... time has become my enemy... 'm trying to kill it.. let's see.. how long i will be able to endure...You...get well soon...

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Said I'll always be a friend/Took an oath I'ma stick it out till the end

Happy.. after all as the name suggests should always be happy and spread happiness in everyone's life..i wish him Good Luck and best life forever. I'm talking to You.. grant his all wishes.. a kind request.. You know what.... what i want don't let anyone take advantage of his goodness and blackmail him emotionally even if the person is his beloved. I wish nobody hurt him and nanny ever ever.. You getting na..

Looking good.. i never compliment him but he was looking good today.. he looks good in long hair... Genuine concern.. this is what i always feel when he is around.. the way he was talking about deep with mum. The way he complaints of my "mistake"... I don't like people who speak bad of him( You know whom i am talking about).. or criticizes or try to degrade his image in my eyes (idiots who think that i can think bad /evil of him which I'll never do so even if he will commit some serious offense.. of course I'll be angry but i couldn't stand people bragging bad words of him)...

I, once gave him a card.. and i have always wanted to give him some beautiful thing to keep as a memento.. still thinking what could that be..memento that remind him of those days when after tuition he used to accompany me to way back home..You remember he, once offered his jacket to me.. and i was covered up to my knees with that..and once some class mates leaked air of my bicycle tyres and Hemant took it to get filled... and pumped in air..always beside me even when he was not asked to.. shielded me with all mishaps and bad people.. never let anybody harm me... and when i was at Shweta's place for stay, he instructed her," do you have video game, " no! how Prachi will enjoy stay at your place, she''ll get bored." "get it repaired soon" " acha take care of her properly." Oh my goodness.. and Shweta's mum making faces at him all the while... hahahaha......

when i used to go Modinagar how crazy we were to meet each other.. i mean we used to have long talk regarding what's all going on and happening at each other's end and after that .. and it's most of the time Ankur used to reach( since Hemant used to give him late timings of my arrival so that we can have talk beforehand). aaahhh.. blessed were the days.!!

And, not forgetting the times when i used to call him .. hahaha
what a moron.. i am.. i can not forget when, one day i called up and yelled on him like anything and after my gibberish he simply asked, " what happened?" and i burst out crying and narrated what all happened...

once i called up just to say that i want to meet you and i want you to be here at my home by 11:00 am morning. he came late but he came that was the raniest day of the season.. .. and i stood waiting in balcony.. thinking that he won't come now.. and fter a long wait i went to my room... and switched off lights.. and as i lied down on bad.. knock knock.. completely drenched wearing one of his best shirt and pant.. stood there.. i opened door .. and he changed into Pinku's shorts and tee... i was so happy.. so so happy.. we talked whole day about so many things .. actually he talked and i listened as usual in those days... :)...once i have to say.. "Hemant, milna hai.. ghar aaja.. " and he used to come anyhow.. whatsoever excuse he had to make at home .. and to his beau (i didn't know about her at that time.. still).. lying to everyone and used to stay till the time i wanted him to..

Nothing has changed.. he is still same Hemant for me..

hahaha .. and You know the way he was looking for my personal diary.. same inquisitive attitude to know what all i am up to.. :)... Happy.. is Happy to know that 'm Happy... aaahhaa...

But 'm not Happy after knowing that he is too distressed the way his personal life is going.. i didn't like that he is depressed even for a slightest of the thing/ matter i never herd bad words or ill wishes for anyone from his mouth.. and i wish that You take car of him personally.. and i know You will.. i trust You....

that fervent look..in his eyes ... aaahha.. i recall some line from a very nice song..

"chupna bhi nahin aata.. chupana bhi nahin aataa.."

I'm happy at least ... one should be true to ones self..

" hum jise gunguna nahin sakte...
waqt ne aisa geet kyun gaya....."

Once again i tried.. once again he subtly replied.. once again 'm not disappointed.. never says "main".. always says " hum".. one day he will say "main" and i will be Happy.... Happy.... :)

he need not tell me what's right and what's wrong.. i know everything... it's just that i can not lie him...
and .. yeah of course nor even he lied me.. he just hid facts of which he , himself were not sure of.. he said so and i trusted as usual .. i never doubted.. he said this i said this.. he said that i trusted that.. if he said something this moment.. and refuted next moment .. no worries at all.. i trusted first time and the second time as well.. never doubting his sincerity.... i mean no point of distrusting...... and same way goes with him.. i said yes than yes.. i said no than no.. your wish my pleasure....hahaha

I'm happy to recall all this and many other stupidities of ours...Joshi-Joshi..

baatein kuch ankahee si... :) Good luck and Blessings for his future.. i can not even say such things to him... You know... i wonder why.. i mean.. i feel it's not necessary to say.. as if it's already said ... and acknowledged... :)