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Saturday, August 23, 2008

Wish 'm going to make.....

I am missing My lord from from past one month and have been feeling so irritated... went mad at him.. but he is uncomplaining.. see how poor i am .. i cannot do anything for him.. why don't You come up with some idea.. always it's me who has to take pains..I want to sense how he must be feeling after jam packed day.. i wish i could do something for him.. at times.. when he sounds so tired i don't know why what happens and why it happens.. but a kind of affection for him raises from the depths of my heart and wish to lull him to sleep.. i want him to lay his head on my lap so that i can run my fingers in his air.. and soothe down the nerves that have been raking whole day with stupid charters, ships, captains, and blah blah blah..... after all 'm a women.. why i won't feel such a motherly .. protecting and loving kind of feeling in my bosom...

I really am mean to fight with my poor tired lord.. but i miss him so badly nowadays.. just tell me.. how to survive like this all of a sudden.. when erstwhile he used to be available all time..and now not...

I want to talk to him.. be with him.. feel the life of love.. and 'm here slitting like a forlorn wife who waits for her husband to come back home....My dreams seems shattered.. my wishes seems will go unfulfilled.. my words seems will go unheard..... you are my alter ego.. my other half... i love you ... and i miss you.. i want to feel that touch once again.. (When at my place.. you hugged me.. i will be blessed with life...)

You know what.. I have been trying to look for a slight hint from your side that you want to talk to me.. you miss me.. but your way of not saying things..
make me go wearied..
tumhe pata hai.... han woh toh tumhe pata hai hi .. fir bhi...
my day goes bad when i miss you and want you so bad.. It seems as if hell has broken loose in my life.. i behave erratically..
i talk all nonsense.. and depressed things... and give other other reasons.. even when i know .. i'm missing you and not getting how to say this.. so behaving like a Bethlehem inmate..

I don't know how to tell you 'm missing.. though i'm saying this here.. but you know.. na what i mean.. i mean 'm writing and know that you will read.. but it's to tell you while talking on phone.. and when i fail to do so, i go mad.. i act insane.. erratic, lunatic... and the list goes on......I feel so shy to admit this.... and you talking to me makes me happy like anything... have you ever noticed? It happens when you center your world around someone.... and this someone.. my lord .. you are many miles away.... know not how many.........
Want to meet.. anyhow....whatever may happen..
i'll come..

wherever you will be...I want to go crazy for you.. i'm already..
i want to do crazy things for you...
I want to give you something that nobody on earth can give you...

Once i told you na.. ki i'll leave you someday /but you dare not forget me.. you didn't and you never let me go....Now , I won't say remember me when 'm gone.. and cherish my memories whole life long.. I want to wish you to......






....Be with me in life and death...in adversity and prosperity...in shanty and in palace....in land and in water....in highs and lows....

Your Princess

Friday, August 22, 2008

What for?

Some days are good.. some are bad.. at times you are happy and at times sad..
so sad .. so melancholic that you tends to forget the reason of what made you upset .. and what remains is the gloom.. and it seems as if it's going to hang over your head like a sharp edged sword ready to slash you down anytime.. .. the moment it sees you loosening yourself.. it seize upon the chance and hits its dart direct into your heart and leaves you wreathing in agony...

Life's travesties.....

I have been thinking since long time what's that that ails mankind so much.. and the answer came to me as if a revelation flickered in moonlight.. his own self conscious mind....

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Let me wish some more.. let me delude myself some more......



One fine morning i woke up and found a bird nestling in my window.. she looked at me and winked.. i can clearly see her smiling and looking at me intently as if she has been sent to me on some errand.. and if not then why she is there.. i wanted to talk to her but was in kind of dilemma.. or say was doubting her ability to speak..while i was preparing myself .. she flew to where i was.. on my bed and perched on the bedside.. and cooed some kind of beautiful song in my ears.. i don't remeber what exactly the words were.. though language was too different and of some unknown world.. but it felt as if they are so familiar and the theme is so dear to my heart. Yeah ! she was singing my song.. song of my loneliness.. my desperations.. my dreams... my heart' desires.. how she came to know all this .. I don't know what hour of morning is that.. but almost daily i see that bird.. perch on my bedside and coos the same melancholic but sweet music in my ears.. what for? what's all this... happening...

Is it a whim.. illusion.. or some dream that i see eyes wide awake....
Or it's some suppressed emotion that' coming out of its confines gradually.. slowly..

I have been to ... melancholic lately... things were not going easy... not in the least way i want them to... Sometimes i wonder what crazy dreams and wishes i have.. i haven't come out of that -fancy-dream-world-where-things-happen-with-a stroke-of-spell-and-wand...
I have imagined things differently.. and i always get something
drastic in different..
why i wish for things that can never be achieved....
"kyun aisi umeed ki maine jo aise nakaam hui...
dur banayi thi majnzil jo raste mein hi shaam hui.."

Don't dishearten me this way.. make my wishes come true Lord.. i confide in Thee.. You have to listen to me.. how long You will make me wait.. yearn in desperation...If i see dreams.. aren't they Your doings..? Tell me.. ?
If 'm this way, Who has made me so..not You...?
And, if thing goes wrong.. it's me responsible.. and if good happens, it's You who showered blessings... why so ?
everyone of us has some failings.. difference lies in concealing and polishing them so that they do not appear so ugly in the face of truth.. after all ro survive in this mortal world one should have twofolds robe.. lest how to survive.. vultures amidst us will scathe us.. rip open our flesh and bare the hard faceted crude reality.. you will not be able to survive if your soul is still in the feet of Lord.. and if it's already being sold to Mephistopheles.. so you are damned wretch.. then .. survival is meant for you.. but for how long .. one day everyone of us will get annihilated.. become the same dust..
aah.. not again.. 'm drifting to somewhere else..

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ohh Lord !what i have done....



..a tear trickled down my cheeks .. numbing my senses.. and singing the saddest song of my life...recalling what all has been locked up long time back in the dungeons of my heart.. but tears swelled up and burst the hymen of secrecy.. and had a release...ripples.. as a pebble thrown into the calm surface of river causes ripples.. so is my soul agitated tonight...

I'm feeling little sad today cuz i really had no idea that i had been posing restrictions on him and he feels dread to voice out his feelings to me. Oh my goodness! what a moron 'm to act such. I have been trying my level best to stay abreast of his professional and student life so that i may not hamper his urgent things at hand.. and he has been getting impression that i'll erupt like a volcano if he needs time to take rest.. 'his own time..' Mercy! he dreads to ask his own time with me.. who am i .. it's his life.. he can do anything he wish for.. may be i have become too nagging lately without even realizing the fact...
I went off guard ohh sad...

You there.. You must have been aware of all this beforehand, why You didn't even bother to warn me... .. and he has been suffering all the time.. You know how much these things hurt me.. i have not been giving him space.... i listened ..not You.. i felt such a shock with what he said.. I mean more than what he said, the tone he had made me feel so embarrassed.. i felt so bad of me.. what a little mean and nasty creature i had become.. for few seconds i was dumbfounded as if some hammer has struck my scalp... and then something inside has been shaken since then.. i know not what.. but after he went to sleep.. i couldn't come to terms with what i have been doing to him unknowingly...

there must be so many things and issues like this one which he had been keeping in his heart due to my dread(shucks! how bad it feels to even pronounce the word.. he dreaded of me.. i have such a bad humor.. ohh Mercy Lord!! You could have forewarned me.. at least.. but , alas You didn't )

I understand now... lot more things that had not been uttered till now.. .. he doesn't say things.. and let himself suffer... { i have been little intruding too theses days.. disappointing him every time.. and that too when he told me in straight terms that day- "I was really disappointed the way you behaved Prachi"--- and Prachi, still didn't rectified what she wronged unintentionally though..} i'll keep check on myself.. and i need to .. it's really damn required thing at this point of time.. I have been showing myself as an obsessive maniac having no self-restraint.. actually i had been little lenient with myself after such a long time.. but i understand and as is evident that it's really not done.

You know how much self-restraint i have and now i'm not going to get myself carried away.. like a dumb ******* High time haan....I'll losses some strings that i have been holding tight to ensure that he may not feel insecure.. but, things have been turning in wrong way things were going contrary .. right under my eyes and i have been sitting like a blind flower girl happy in her fragrant dreams..

Monday, August 18, 2008

It's a thread..

One of my fav pastime is to figure out what i stand for.. and what 's the purpose of my existence and do i really need these answers or its just whim triggered by some thought or incident.. but one thing i am so sure is that there is some real meaning hidden behind everyone's existence and that gets revealed gradually as the life gets on..the biggest love is the love for self.. and i am madly in love with myself.. i guard each and every thought, impression, expression, emotion, and relation that i ever came across or felt within me so jealously

It seems to me as if i am dreaming and musing right from the moment of my inception in my mum's womb...
i don't want to achieve anything.. seems i have already done that..
i don't want to show anything..
i don't want to prove anything...
I'm beyond all this..
i'm in quest.. more i get close in getting hold of it, more it gets distanced away...I'm Adamant[:)]

I keep on searching for words.. that can best describe myself.. the day i'll get them.. no more scribbling will be done on this pad...everyone has their own good and bad qualities.. so i do have.. i cannot be you and you cannot be me, why try finding me.... 'm beyond that.. i can't even be touched .. so ephemeral 'm


i have ideas.. vague.. hanging loose in mid air .. ..

First love of my life...

I have been scurrying along things since long time.. it's high time and everything should be manged and streamlined properly... my books have been neglected.. my notes.. are all scattered.. last then last night i had the most dreadful dream of my life.. i saw my register-the long and thick one that has notes of Gulliver's Travels, Heart of Darkness and T. S. Eliot in it completely drenched in water.. i was so horrified.. i woke up shivering from my dream.. and literally cried for so long..
my eyes swelled
just an idea of the register getting ruined.. made me go weak..
i felt i'll get heart-attack..

i cannot imagine to part with my books.. my notes.. how precious they are for me..there are people who keeps guard over their beautiful dreams.. so that nobody can ever harm them.. on contrary i have harmed my self.. i shattered my vision.. into pieces.. and now it's too late to join those broken pieces.. want to start afresh.. may be.. what has ;lost can be retrieved back.. nothing is impossible.. and somehow.. one has to fight back the impositions.. whether by self or others..

Sunday, August 17, 2008

What's this.. i know not..


I have always kept saying that don’t you ever read ‘Gone with the Wind’ on your own; I’ll read it this novel to you. Yes, I want to read it out to you. You don’t know how much it matters to me-reading this novel to you. I always picture you as Rhett Butler. But, he leaves scarlet at the end of the novel however story was not shown being ended still he goes… this is why.. Gone with the Wind… I dread if one day you will go away, I’ll be ruined. And I have no determination like Scarlet to continue life and wait for you.. But I feel this is what the real test of life is.. the realization dawns upon us when things goes out of hand..

I'm no Scarlet O' Hara.. but i share some of the pains that she had in her life.. and i understand what torments soul can endure...in those dreadful situations.. i know what hunger is.. i know what yearning for stability is ...

Scarlett: Rhett, Rhett... Rhett, if you go, where shall I go? What shall I do?
Rhett Butler: Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.

But he cared.. it's just his inability to express his feelings for one women on earth.. whom he chided for every thing and anything.. whom he tormented like hell at times.. but loved her like no one did.. whom he pampered like a child.. whom he straddled in his lap hiding her in his bosom .. entwined in his arms when she was frightened by a bad dream of her hunger stricken days at twelve oaks.. her only fault.. she ran behind illusion.. and the day she found the reality.. she came to terms with reality.. and realized that her turning to Rhett every time in life.. was not her need.. it was her love for him.. and he loved her equally .. and with same intensity.. Aaa.. Alas! he was gone with wind... novelist didn't say anything..
but i know if story would have continued.. then you could have known that Rhett came back.. Scarlet was his life.. and vice versa.. whatever .. this is the right ending.. say somebody this is the ending.. Scarlet and Rhett could never be apart.. destiny brought them together always.. and it has to.. .. she left for twelve oaks with everyone with conviction and firm faith that Rhett will come back and she will wait.. and she waited.. i can tell you..
he came back despite of every thing that had happened in between them.. this what we call love.. it cannot die so soon..

I will read it and will weep my heart out..enwrapped in your arms and my head lying on your chest.. how secured i will be and no more pains to torture me.. even my words will spare me...One day we will sit together in winter night shrouded in fog....and i'll be secure in your arms..

Just me and you..

Saturday, August 9, 2008

Mitwa....


Mere man ye bata de tu.. kis aur chala hai tu..

Kya paya nahin tune.. kya dhoond raha hai tu..

Jo hai ankahee.. jao hai ansuni.. woh baat kya hai bata..

Mitwa... kahe dhadkane tujhse kya..

Mitwa.. ye khud se toh na tu chupa..

Jeevan dagar mein.. prem nagar mein..

aya nazar mein jab se koi..

tu sochta hai.. tu puchta hai..

jiski kami thi kya wahi hai.. haan ye wahi hai...

tu ek pyaasa aur ye nadi hai.. kahe fir isko tu khul ke bataye..

jo hai ankahee.. jo hai ansuni.. woh baat kya hai bata...

Mitwa....Mere Meet.. Mere humsafar..Mere humrahi...Mere humraaj..

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Beating the hell outaa it!!!!!!!!

Bang Bang Bang.. tang tang tang.. goes this brain all the time.. no more.. 'm fed up of this..
keeps on running ..
halter-skalter.. hither-thither...baaah..
leave me alone..
i don't want to listen to any of your vagaries anymore..... enough!!!!!!!

kina sun ne..kahilye pani aisle malai ramro kuro bhandaina.. kasto chucho.. ma aba dekhi asiele bhaneko kuro sundai sundi na...bhayo.. ke garun.. mero mutuko pani.. aamai.. ke ke bhancha.. ke ke sochi rakhcha.. khoi.. kati dukhcha.. uslai ta kahilye pani farka pardain..
ani ma pani kina.. bole ko bole garun..
hazar baari eutei kuro bole ko bole bole ko bole.. bas bhayo..
usle bhujdaina.. ma pani aba na samjhaune..

esma .. usko galti pani hoina.. merei ho..kati dikka pareko hai..
aaja dekhi ma tyaslai kholdina.. tyas pachi ma shanta bhai sakhchu.. thaha cha malai..ma afulai..jhuth bolna sakchu? ke bolirachu..
je pai tei ho aba.. ma ab dekhnei hoina....je din ma tyanha usko naama herchu.. dimagei kaam gardein..
It doesn't really work.. as if some scorpion has stung in my head instead of leg....and the poison spreads so quickly and disturbs the composure and tranquility of my life...
bhana na malai kina.. kina.. huncha yo...... tapai ta khush hununch ho ki hai na.. ho..
malai thaahacha.. yo pani tapaikeeiii koi scheme ho..

gara .. ma pani herchu aba.. kati din tapai mero mutu lai dhukh dine.. ho ma pain taiyaari garisakyachu..ma nai jitne ho.. hera tapai..ma eko tapailai dukh huncha ni.. tyaisaile.. yesto kuro ..kehi farka pardaina.. ma pani aba dherai smart bhai sake haaan.. hera ni ais baari ma nai jitne ho.. complete change.. revolution.. this is what You have always .. instigated me to .. right.. alright then.. ready.. steady.. go...

ke dine ho malai ma jite bhana ta..
ais baari dinu parcha..
dekhi haala..
ma nai jitne ho..
jitayi dinu .. haan.. please..haare bhane ta.. risaunchu ani kahilyei gaf gardina.. feri tapai pani eklai bhai halchou.. ma bhaye na.. tapaiko life ma..thaha cha malai..
ma thake ..
ab bardast hudain..
kasto apthyaro ho yo sabpai jhelna..
malai thaha cha..
kahan jane.. kaslai bhan ne.. ke garne.. thaha paai deina..
thaki sakyachu ma.. dukhcha.. mutu ma..

"Yo gatha ho .. tishna mero.. mutu ko paana bhari bhari lekheko.. samjhaun dainchu timilai..."

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

something my heart murmured while my eyes slept sound.....

"I still hold your pain in my heart... sometimes my eyes brim... but i let not fall tears.. so that your pain still remains secured deep in my heart .. until i die....."

At the onset of every relationship there is a kind of silent and unsaid commitment treaty on various issues which both of the partners understand solemnly. Whatever you do and say will affect me as much as whatever i do and say to you; you will take care of my likes and dislikes as much as i'll do for you; your life and my life is no more your and mine instead it has become ours; I'll respect you and love you and same i expect from you;we will always be there for each other no matter whatever be the case/situation/circumstance;

I'm glad that my feelings have been cared for.. 'm glad that you know my wishes and demands before i utter them.. I'm glad to see and hear my pain in your eyes and ears.....You know not how much i love you...

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Whiling away..



This is one of those days when i feel to be myself.. when i want to be with myself.. and do not want to talk to anybody..i always wished for someone who can be my mirror image.. and be with me.. as i'm with myself.. this whim of mine has taken me off stage reality..why don't you understand Nicks.. honey.. you already have that someone with you.. then why i feel so loneliness.. why i feel that yearning..
that search..
what for my eyes look out..
why i'm not satisfied..
oh! come on.. this all rhetoric...!! seriously rhetoric.. but..true..the way.. Maggie Tulliver..use to talk..
haah....
How much tranced i was by her...that unruly Maggie appealed me..
i remember marking those lines that defined Maggie's love for water.. and then compare it with what i felt and there was a time when i had deciphered my fate as Maggie's .. why i gave those books to know-not-which-junior.. aan haan..
The Mill and the Floss (George Eliot)
love for Tom...her life around him..
her.. tryst with Gypsies...
passionate longing for water..
unruly hair..
her quest for knowledge..
her dilemmas..
her drowning...

How all this .. affected my inner self..
i felt as if i'm reading about my self..
..

Saturday, August 2, 2008

A heart felt desire.....


"Main jab bhi tumhare ghar ke samne se nikalta tha toh sochta tha ki kya main bhi kabhi is ghar mein ja sakunga.."

aur fir woh tumhari thehri hui hansi... jis mein

These were your words.... when once we were talking on phone and you said so.. i felt a pang in my heart.. i didn't say anything 'coz i had nothing to say that time.. i made up my mind that this time when you will come to India i'll try my level best that you can come to my home..

"haan tum bhi is ghar mein aa sakte ho.. jab tumhara man kare.. bina kahe .. bina puche.. aur koi bhi bura nahin manega.. mujhe behad khushgi hogi..."

The day you came to my house.. i wanted to see you coming from the corner of road so came out of house .. but when you turned the corner for my home.. i was so shy to face you.. i couldn't see you..

"itni sharam aati hai mujhe tumse..naa jane kyun.. jabki main tumhare se hazaaron baatein karti hun.. kuch din mili bhi hun.. phir bhi na jaane kyun.. tumse .."

when you entered and took seat on sofa..
i looked at you, when , for a second, your eyes were not on me.. you looked good..I wanted this day to be the memorable one in my life.. i know every minute spent with you is a sweet memory.. but this one became really so special not to be summed up in few words.. still i want to tell you...

vo aaye ghar me.n hamaare Khudaa kii qudrat hai
kabhi ham un ko kabhii apane ghar ko dekhate hai.n(Galibh)


When mum went to prepare lunch.. i came slowly towards you.. kissed you on cheeks and ran off so that you cannot hold me in your arms..(though i desperately wanted it...).....

The way you were sitting in front of me on deewan and having lunch..
the way you were talking to ma..

"kaash woh waqt thehar jaata .. main tumhe jaane na deti.. rok leti.. mazburi tumhari.. jaana hi tha.. na roke rukna tha.."





Nicky...


Dresses and dressing up is my passion.. and the best attire a woman can dress up in is sari.. but it should be draped well.. the sexiest feminine attire in the whole world.. the most subtle ...i had a wish to get married soon so that i can wear saris.. bangles.. how beautiful they look in a newly weds hands... henna..i never neglected my health and especially my figure.. of which i had always been proud of.. though not openly.. still.. you know what is the best feature in you and you really don't feel like to deteriorate it at any cost...
there was a zeal in me for keeping myself fit for any occasion.. yellow suits me generally..
but now seems nothing looks good on me..
i, know more feel myself beautiful the way i used to feel sometime back..
i have always dressed up for my self.. i have almost loved and admired my own image..
but now i see.. it doesn't look pleasing..
i have lost that vibrance..
something is lost..i have grown old.. ? Sonal has always been telling me.. that you have grown off your age...is she right...? may be...

I'm lacking that something in my life.... know not what..
and i want it back... i can get it back .. the day i want it badly..
but i fear.. i fret from getting that freshness... that charm back in me.. it has been my ruin..
and it will always be.....

There are thousands of wishes that dare not come on my lips.. and will never... i feel momentary pain at times why i can't have these wishes of mine fulfilled....

Kabhi kisiko muquammal jahan nahin milta...
kahin jameen to kaheen aasman nahin milta...
jise bhi dekhiye woh apne aap mein gum hai
zubaan mili hai magar humzubaan nahin milta..
bhuja saka hai bhala kaun waqt ke shole
yeh aisi aag hai jisme dhuaan nahin milta..
tere jahan mein aisa nhain ke pyaar na ho..
jahan umeed ho iski wahan nahin milta..

Friday, August 1, 2008

Nicky......


I am happy.. why, i don't think so i need to tell You..

You know there was a time i was nothing and my mind scape was bleak.. nothing existed except chandamama, Nandan and Alice in the wonderland..(By the way Johnny Depp is going to be Mad Hatter of Alice in the Wonderland Whoa!!Man!!... He was amazing in Pirates and now .. Alice...)

Back to where i left.... i had a copy of Dutch Fairy Tales.. i borrowed it from Pinku's friend.. and read it.. each page .. every syllable.. many times...
i used to sit on stairs outside my drawing room.. in veranda.. staring at sky.. and believe me.. i waited long long hours for some fairy to pass by.. and talk to me.. for a while..

Phew!! none came my way.. like Wordsworth's solitary reaper i wandered in lonely fields when mum was in India and i with Papa and Pinku in Nepal..those were also the days.. nobody to say have lunch.. nobody to say study.. nobody to say keep yourself clean..
Daily after showers i used to dress up in the best dress and pick my landlords' cycle and head on to some long lonely ride.. crossing my mango garden ("Aam Bagaincha").. towards.. the long road that took to some interior villages of Biratnagar.... aah the name of the place slipped off my memory... i'll try to recall....
No friends ... no acquaintances.. seriously .. i mean God.. i had nobody to talk to.... sounds queer to me too.. but... this is the reality..
and i had no problem with it.. at times i used to get little disturbed why i have no friends.. and then same self analysis... which was in fact a torture that i used to inflict on myself.. am i not good to look at.. ? may be 'coz i don't know how to speak Nepali...? May be... i don't have much to talk about..? may be 'm a moron.. baaah. heights man..
I used to imagine a beautiful home .. home that some English picture books show.. yeah the same exactly.. Mother, Father, brother and sister living happily in a small but beautiful house.. have i ever had a house.. yes i had.. Dilshad Colony.. where did it go then.. Lost..
After leaving Dilshad Colony.. once again i was in the throes of loneliness.. i lost my companion..Trishna.. what a pity.. this was the signal of the appending doom...... my seclusions have always been disastrous to me..
i want to write something.. i'm trying to write that but..
something in me desists me from penning that down... will try next time...

I can write.. 'm writing.. i will write...
i have a saga of love.. of desolation.. of dejection.. of remorse.. of unforgotten places.. and tales and people...will be homer to tell you... :)