Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I'm 23, seriously.. I've grown up and it's not a joke.
I've been trying to grow up since past few years.. grow up in what sense .. to be mature.. to be wise.. and to be intelligent enough to take right decisions and move ahead in positive direction... but then i found out that instead of growing up into a mature and wise girl i was retrieving back to my old dark self ( silent and dangerous)- back to my childhood.. growing unruly and wild like my hair.. haa..
one cannot even imagine what i was feeling in those days.. as far as i remember i started getting back to my same younger self.. when i used to be such an arrogant and stubborn child.. i never use to bother what people might be thinking of me.. actually the fact behind this was that , that i never felt that people can ever think about me... of me.. i mean i was not that brilliant and significant child of my family.. instead my little brother was charming and sweet..
there was a time in my life when i used to jealous him because he was very outspoken and smart chap. who can be friends with everyone and such a jolly good fellow he was..
i used to get troubled.. since i was not like him even in the smallest sense..
not a good writer certainly .. but a scribbler who scrawls few lines on notepad, with the words.. gets confused about the framing of sentences, and is not even sure of appropriate usage of words... tears away the page .. writes again and then regrets over the torn page....
It's just a try to sum up my life till date in language.. in words.. just to make sure that yes i do remember everything.. i love my life and my whole self at such an extent that i cannot do without even a single moment of my life spent...
Saturday, February 23, 2008
A wise man has gone saying sometimes language is so deficient to sum up what all human heart can feel... a man with dignity on forehead and sincerity in his eyes..confidence in each word...this is what he is..
this is something most difficult task i have ever done in my life.. i try n try a lot but i don't find exact words for him.. as if my vocab has gone dry..
when i first saw him... he passed me like a gush of wind... i can't believe my eyes...he looks like a simpleton.. unaware of worldly ways... but the fact lies beneath the layer of his austere looks- a worldly wise- maverick... who knows pros and cons of everything and can swept you off your feet once allowed to speak....
thanks to my stars that made me realize that my lone march had already came to end but i went blind off the end post and move further to no man's land..i lost my way..and just after crossing the border line i realized that i am in a wrong territory.. but there was no way back.. everything seemed so blurred under the haze of my guilt.. my conscience struck me so hard.. i kept on hurting him day by day..but was so terrified by the mishap that i myself was responsible for..i couldn't trace back my steps.. my soul tormented and cursed me.. for what i have done and debarred me from approaching him..
i read him speaking his heart out to me.. n i remained as a stone.. as if frozen.. i am not heartless.. brute.. i read every syllable written by him.. tortured.. i couldn't still come to him.. how far i have strode my self...
Oh! how desperate he made me for himself.. i yearned to met him.. i was in the throes of some unfortunate happenings and wanted to hold on to him.. to make me wade through all those worldly vicissitudes.. not possible.. my heart has not accepted him as a reality.. an illusion.. a mirage.. he was for me..MRIGTRISHNA
i lost myself there and then.. lost my last hope..
as Dr. Faustus lost his soul to Mephistopheles.. so do i lost my self to my .. desperation..
i wanted an immediate consolation..
how indiscernible.. my act was..
i cannot answer him why i did all that..
i don't know..he won't believe me.. certainly nobody can be such a moron to act like this.. to be inhuman all of a sudden.
I'm not talking rational..
but I'm irrational.. I'm insane, 'm crazy.. he 'll say i love this kind of adjectives to be associated with myself.. but no, i don't.. this makes me feel -what an enigma I'm.. i hate myself utterly..almost daily i keep trying defining myself.. but of no avail.. i couldn't..
see.. where i landed up.. this is what i do.. start with something and end up somewhere else..
Sunday, February 24, 2008
when i see or hear of some death.. i feel something died in me as well..... i weep... for long hours.. .. and when tired.. start musing.. why the hell am i crying for....and then i laugh.. laugh like a mad girl.. standing on the roof top...
most of the time.. i keep on musing.. this is the best thing i can ever do in my whole life.. and I'm so perfect in it... i bet nobody can..
sometimes i wonder what exactly i am..... an ENIGMA haa.. and what does this mean?
i remember those solitary nights.. those dark days of my life when i used to sit on terrace and talked with stars... thousands of things..
told them my pains.. my miseries.. my confusions.... i used to feel as if some silent communion is in progress.. how innocent were those days.. and were so stained with dark and maligned affairs..
i was not happy.. i was 8 years of age.. and i knew that i am not happy.. i am destined to be so.. but i am not...who was responsible.. no one to be blamed.. but i am not either ready to blame my stars.. since they were the only ones who listened to me in those silent days...my best friends...
Labels: nicky.. hey lill girl u there?
i have been trying to decipher what exactly i want from my life.. ain't i contented with what all i have... no my life is going useless .. meaninglessly.. like a canoe drifted..with waves.. aimless wandering of my soul.... for something... know not what that is..
Labels: .. wanderings of my soul...
Thursday, February 28, 2008
I don't know what all is going on with me.. life has always this trick-playing kind of strategy with me.. i wonder what i want.... i have so many vague ideas perplexing my mind.. my state of mind is so abstract nowadays.. believe me..i am getting insane nowadays..
i want a small house with one living room, a bedroom, kitchen and a balcony.. i want to decorate it with handicraft and antiques.. simple n sober.. my world.. i want to create.. i don't want to live with anybody..... independently.. all alone.. surrounded by books.. then I'll write something..
write something.. dance all the time.. life is a kind of dancing room.. where i am dancing on different in accordance with my various moods..
Labels: i wish...
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Twinkle Twinkle little star
How i wonder what you are
Up above the world so high
Like a diamond in the sky
aa chal ke tujhe main leke chalun
ek aise gagan ke tale
jahan gam bhi na ho
aansun bhi na ho
bas pyaar hi pyaar mile
ek aise gagan ke tale...
suraj ki pehli kiran se
asha ka sawera jaage
chanda ki kiran se ghulkar
ghanghor andhera bhaage
kabhi dhup khile
kabhi chaon mile
lambi se dagar na khale
jahan gam bhi na ho
aansun bhi na ho
bas pyaar hi pyaar pale
ek aise gagan ke tale..
jahan dur nazar daurayein
azad gagan lahrayein
jahan rang birange panchi
asha ka sandesa layein
sapnon main pali
hansti woh kali
jahan shaam suhani dhale
jahan gam bhi na ho
aansun bhi na ho
bas pyaar hi pyaar pale
ek aise gagan ke tale....
Labels: meri abhilasha...
i hurt him... just because i was bit tensed due to some of my age old lacerating wounds
but then sometimes you fail to keep up affectations of a happy jolly good being all the time. i do remember once one of my friend remarked that i can not believe this girl knows how to cry.... i felt amused at her remark and giggled..
i wanted to tell him so many things but there are so many impediments that inhibits me.. first and foremost is the distance of miles between....though he is strict upon his words.. never gives me time to feel the absence..but then at times you feel like talking at length without stopping .. unendingly.. i want him to listen me.. understand me as if i'm his own inner self.... i want to show him all my moods.. dance for him.. laugh for him.. speak with my eyes.. my smiles..is it something that i ought not to feel.. i think no... there is one regret in my life and as far as i think i'm not responsible for that ..and not even he.. and it's that he belongs to this world where it is necessary to be social.. it's necessary to be practical so as to eke out one's living.. he cannot be with me.. we cannot be one .. since he has lots to achieve.. he has to complete his studies.. he's working his priorities.. why i cannot be his priority and the sole center of his attentions..i know the reasons still sometimes you don't want to act mature and understand everything.. at times you feel like asking silly questions.. act innocent and do not even try to understand the simplest of the things..and to be child like.. to smile and giggle on everything.. to ask for balloons and candy floss..this is what happens i shift from one thing to other without even realizing... what i mean is that i understand what all heart feels and desires cannot be fulfilled.. i know it's really important for him to continue in the direction of his priorities.. but then --- dil to deewana hai.. deewana hai ye dil..deewana..
why we feel this need of expressing ourselves.. why can't we keep everything stored up inside us.. what a big emotional stuff we humans are....i want to laugh at the top of the voices.. i want to cry.. so loud that it can tear open the blue sky... wet the bosom of mother earth with my tears..fill the air with the fragrance of my breath....
Labels: same myriad thoughts...
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Phir ek khwahish man main tarang si jaag uthi hai..
phir ek tammanna udaan bharne lagi hai..
udd jaun pankh pasare main is neele aasman main..
yehi hasrat man main machal rahi hai...
ya sama jaun is zameen ke
ya aus ki boond ban dhalak jaun phulon ke tan se main..
paani ki tarah bah niklun main..
na tham sake daman koi mera.. na chu sake tan koi mera..
na sama paun kisi ek jahan main..
fizaon main khushbu si mahak jaun main..
kaash main bhi kabhi kavita kah paati
aur kabhi akele baithe use gungunati..
kaash .. aur sirf kaash par hi kyun.. ruk si gayi hai ye zindagi..
soch soch kumhlaye jaati hun main..
waqt to bahut mila hai... samajhne aur samjahane ke liye..
par bayaan nahin kar paati hun main..
Labels: .. koshish..
Monday, March 10, 2008
i keep on talking to myself..this was my state erstwhile and now to be in touch with u always.. i talk to u.. my thoughts.. my ideas.. my aspirations, my dreams are directed to you..
i talk as if you are in front of me.. what an addiction.. i got drunk twice or may be thrice.. i took 2-3 bottles of beer followed by 2-3 glasses of vodka then a glass of whiskey.. i was conscious enough to hold myself straight... u don't like this i know dear.. but then.. there goes a saying..wearer knows where the shoe pinches...similarly i know what hurts me.. what' eating my heart away..
u know what one day i really want to get drunk... madly.. then dance as if in frenzy....... scream on the top of the voices...cry like i have gone insane.. laugh like a lunatic....to go in the middle of the river.. under the water.. as if i am going through suicidal fits..swim like a mermaid..
i know it's not easy to contain me.. but i would love to be held in
will you be willing to listen me.... oh deep.. how to tell you..
Friday, March 14, 2008
there goes a canoe
searching a tranquil shore
Alas! nowhere to be found
so, trails on my life
in the quest of solace
A shoulder to lean upon
an embrace of love
where shall to be found
an equal to me
still, the hope lingers on.........
Sunday, March 30, 2008
How beautiful it is to surrender your whole self to someone whom you love.... love makes us slave not of the being in love with but of our own inner self .. since we are bending down in front of our emotions.. we get enslaved with our emotions..
why blame ..anyone else..
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Friends are the family that we make on our own.. outside the one in which we are born and brought up.. so this is the reason why friends are very important and holds a special place in your heart..
I met him on internet for the first time...i responded to his buzz on Fropper because i liked his picture.... first time i got attracted to someone so much so that.. i have never seen this guy in my real life and still getting attracted to him.. and know not what appealed me.. what was alluring me.. what gripped my senses....
Labels: ... .... ....
... Hemant.. idolized him.. and it was so unintentional and was so involuntary that it drove me to my ruin...the reason behind this childish illusion was that he was the first male friend i ever made.. or friend i ever made...
this was an illusion of a sixteen year old girl.. who revered her friend at such an extent without being aware of its consequences.. and the consequences were so drastic.. haaa....
i don't believe this.. i simply can not .. now .. in present times when i see things.. i laugh at myself.. for behaving like a moron..
Plato: never respect a man more than the truth.. my bad luck i read Plato in IInd year of my grads..lest i would have thought over our friendship and stopped acting like an emotional fool..
Hemant - first person who made strong impact on my life...
She came in my life when i was pursuing my PG diploma in Public Relations... Rakhi.. the second most influential being... My dearest friend.. my nanny.. i love her..
friendship grew from distant and too formal and often indifferent greetings to such an intense relationship of which depths are unfathomable...she brought out gypsy girl me on surface...i freaked out with her.. like .. ....i had beautiful and most crazy moments of my life with her.....
we used to wander like gypsies in CP... as if we have been thrown out of our homes.. ..we had many pillow talks .. silent fights.. and immense love..
i can wake her up in the middle of night and start crying if my heart is burdened...
she lets me cry.. cry till my eyes get dry.... never stopping.. lets me talk incessantly...
My dearest nanny used to and still today arranges my bag....Love you dear....
she is lovely.. sexy.. girl...oriental beauty..
i can never forget those days when we used to bunk our PR classes.. and Tina(common friend).. used to wait for us.. for evening 6 PM classes we used to leave around 11 AM on the pretext of studying and making notes in British Council Library..
that hilling night when i had my first fag.. that was so terrific..and she was frightened when my face flushed and reddened due to the inhalation of smoke..
i can't or rather say i don't have appropriate word to write about her.. what i can do is just.. recall those moments that we spent together
..........then came the era of friendship in my life. i made four friends -Hemant,Shweta,Ankur and Sonal. Sonal was only my good friend and for rest of the three she's just a schoolmate. Now we four were a group for later three years and then fall apart.....this friendship laid the foundation of NICKY-mine-what I'm in present is the outcome of relationship with them....
Hemant-5.10",fair,sharp features,black eyes,and the air of confidence around himself. At first, i didn't like him.. But my Physics teacher-C.P. sir told me to be his friend(he also recommended Ankur, Shweta also-so group formed this way) we talked for the first time when i asked some numerical problem with Rahul Vats and he in turn asked Hemant to explain it out to me. then i don't remember how come we become acquainted and then friends(friends so close and dear that it pricked a whole in my soul-still it 's ripping with blood-pains a lot). He is the one and only one who introduced me not only to life but also made me aware of "ME" beyond me. He developed self confidence in me,made me known to the beauty of world around. We used to talk endlessly..actually he made me speak up and listened endlessly.
He was my guide,my mentor,my philosopher,my friend -who was more than a friend, brother- who is more than a brother. Almost an alter-ego to me, he was (rather i should say -was) a demi-god to me...who lighted the path of my life that was enshrouded with darkness of self ignorance. i had never given a thought to the relation between us. never felt any need of it. i respect him, love him, honor him,revere him for whatever he has done for me-unknowingly...nay knowingly he instilled self confidence in me, instilled faith in life,in people. I used to tell him everything...always felt like a kid in front of him . I never thought him as equal to me. He was the one who's there to listen me, understand my unspoken words,sort out my problems, console me ,care for me...................
Labels: Knowing.. one self.. still..
My life has always been like sunset-calm..lone-some ripples emerged on the surface but themselves subdued with time. what i had been earlier and what i'm now..a vast unexpected and unlooked-for change. Going down the memory lane...just few years back what was i -an introvert,haughty,dumb,shy and hesitant person. i used to find myself at loss if suddenly someone walk up to me to talk,there was a fear...yeah sure..it was certainly a dread of being noticed. fear of people outside my world..and my world comprised of me "ONLY"...there was nobody to talk to,to listen me,to see me,to make me see. It's not that my family was not with me..they were there as they are today...they gave me sense of existence and belonging..but not the essence of it..not the real meaning of life. Till then life was nothing meaningful ,it was just...I'm born so I've to live,breath,eat,talk. i had no friend.was so alone..that was the time when i used to seclude myself from my surrounding..talk to myself(only when there was nobody around),always remained in communion with something invisible....spinning my dreams..dreams of life that could never be possible-getting magical powers, turning myself into a beautiful maiden...what a big weirdo i was
........ that was my life up till 1998..the turning point of my life came when i joined St. Teresa's Academy in 10th standard. i remember the first day of my 10th standard in a new school,amidst new people but this time they were the beings with same mother tongue(we lived in Nepal for quiet considerable time...the main reason behind the damage of my intellect,wit and humor).anyways where was i..yeah.. i's wearing black skirt of knee length with coffee color striped top..skirt was bit loose.. making me somewhat at unease. i was shown the class by peon..teacher had already entered the class room. Sister Justina-my class teacher she told me to go and sit with a girl sitting in third row,last seat. i followed her instruction and the direction where she pointed her finger,without looking at her and raising my eyes towards the students,took my seat beside the girl Prachi Gupta.my heart was pounding as if i had been running from a long time..i's so dumbstruck..thinking.."oh my god!everyone in the class must be staring me...making faces at me..god they would be making fun of me..(how stupid of me to think all those pathetic things..but couldn't have helped out..i was like that only..had many complexes ). now i really feel like laughing on myself whenever i remember all this. now I'm different..different from what i was then..............
This is the only way out to know many left out things in past few years which ought to be remembered or should have been noticed. no other option is with me except penning down whatever is there in my mind .rather say curbed deep down in my inner-self.
Truth is within ourselves,it takes no rise
from outward things, whatever you may believe.
There is an inmost centre in us all,
where truth abides in fulness;and around
Wall upon wall,the gross flesh hems it in,
This perfect clear perception- which is truth
Labels: Knowing...one self