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Wednesday, June 11, 2008

My Heart Wishes for Little

Sometimes it seems 'm losing count of time and at times i feel it's too gruesome to beat the time.. how very strange....few things that keeps me in good state of mind and health-Dance, Writing (not the one i'm doing nowadays), work, music, & peace at home.

few people makes me feel good.. Bauji, Cheena, Deepak, Ma, Rakhi, Yashica (now i don't get to meet her, will somehow get in touch back again)

few things i want to do for my self only.. running wild in the direction opposite to wind, deep down into the sea, let my body loose in mid of water and let it float, eat mud (Earth), Krishna Bhakti.. and become "jogan" .. wander singing songs..forget the world and people around, write stories and become the one-Storyteller, adopt a girl child.. rear her up, make her stand on her feet,

few things i want to accomplish... want to become not only a good wife but want to be a soulmate of my love.. so that he never feels me as an entity isolated from his flesh and soul.. get "My HOME" back..open an old age home and orphanage( i see lots of old people humiliated, insulted a by their own kids, left alone to cry their heart out in dark..it's so heart wrenching.. lots of kids go without food, no parents, no shelter.. i hope i can do something for this cause someday)

few things i wish for.. may hunger and poverty dies (It makes me sulk, and at times i don't even want to swallow the food down my throat.. feel so guilty, when thousands of them are going without food every day)

Communion with My Lord !!

i'm tiring myself out... know not what i want .. or may be i know what i want.. whatever be the case the picture is vague.. i want to start a work of my own.. i can not, i simply am not able to work for someone . still i'm doing that..because i need time.. i need funds.. i need to plan ..
Right now i'm so much in muddle that howsoever efforts i put won't be able to get out of this pool.. since lots of matters are pending.. lots of issues to be solved.. lots of decisions have to be made.. only then my life will be steady enough to live..
yeah my ideas seems weird but let them take shape.. and see i can make gold out of silver...it's not a wishful thinking..
Everyone thinks that i'm crazy.. yeah i know this very well before anybody else..i left my M.A. English in middle.. how i yearned to get admission into Masters in English Literature and when i got i stepped into such a messy thing.. which ruined my studies.. nobody except me is responsible.. and i knew it this year i can't clear MA.. so i dropped most of the papers..
But i have thought over this and many other issues..and i'm going to implement everything that i have planned out and outlined as a course of my life.. i'll lead my life the way i want to.. "no rubble rouser would be allowed".. But .. (how i hate this word 'BUT') 'm waiting for one particular decision and that You will take.. I have left Everything on You.. don't be heartless.. and Please be lill more kind.. i know You are already still I need lill more support..You know this very well what all i need and if i won't get that I'll ruin everything.. everything.. and this is not my "EGO" talking to You just me and 'm telling you rather say confessing once again that how destructive i am .. Please i really need you to be more considerate.. i know You have been watching over me since long long time.. b and i had always been an insolent kid unheeding to what all You suggested/hinted/ instructed.. but then You know how direly i need you.. and always keep tugging at You.. i really do accept that i use foul words for you but then come on.. i'm not bad and i never meant all that.. it's just that i don't want to confess in front of everybody that I Love You and Trust You blindly..
And, Hey, don't You think i'm trying to impress/ becoming a Sychophant.. It's all true and genuine .. right from my soul..