Saturday, August 2, 2008

A heart felt desire.....

"Main jab bhi tumhare ghar ke samne se nikalta tha toh sochta tha ki kya main bhi kabhi is ghar mein ja sakunga.."

aur fir woh tumhari thehri hui hansi... jis mein

These were your words.... when once we were talking on phone and you said so.. i felt a pang in my heart.. i didn't say anything 'coz i had nothing to say that time.. i made up my mind that this time when you will come to India i'll try my level best that you can come to my home..

"haan tum bhi is ghar mein aa sakte ho.. jab tumhara man kare.. bina kahe .. bina puche.. aur koi bhi bura nahin manega.. mujhe behad khushgi hogi..."

The day you came to my house.. i wanted to see you coming from the corner of road so came out of house .. but when you turned the corner for my home.. i was so shy to face you.. i couldn't see you..

"itni sharam aati hai mujhe tumse..naa jane kyun.. jabki main tumhare se hazaaron baatein karti hun.. kuch din mili bhi hun.. phir bhi na jaane kyun.. tumse .."

when you entered and took seat on sofa..
i looked at you, when , for a second, your eyes were not on me.. you looked good..I wanted this day to be the memorable one in my life.. i know every minute spent with you is a sweet memory.. but this one became really so special not to be summed up in few words.. still i want to tell you...

vo aaye ghar me.n hamaare Khudaa kii qudrat hai
kabhi ham un ko kabhii apane ghar ko dekhate hai.n(Galibh)

When mum went to prepare lunch.. i came slowly towards you.. kissed you on cheeks and ran off so that you cannot hold me in your arms..(though i desperately wanted it...).....

The way you were sitting in front of me on deewan and having lunch..
the way you were talking to ma..

"kaash woh waqt thehar jaata .. main tumhe jaane na deti.. rok leti.. mazburi tumhari.. jaana hi tha.. na roke rukna tha.."


Dresses and dressing up is my passion.. and the best attire a woman can dress up in is sari.. but it should be draped well.. the sexiest feminine attire in the whole world.. the most subtle ...i had a wish to get married soon so that i can wear saris.. bangles.. how beautiful they look in a newly weds hands... henna..i never neglected my health and especially my figure.. of which i had always been proud of.. though not openly.. still.. you know what is the best feature in you and you really don't feel like to deteriorate it at any cost...
there was a zeal in me for keeping myself fit for any occasion.. yellow suits me generally..
but now seems nothing looks good on me..
i, know more feel myself beautiful the way i used to feel sometime back..
i have always dressed up for my self.. i have almost loved and admired my own image..
but now i see.. it doesn't look pleasing..
i have lost that vibrance..
something is lost..i have grown old.. ? Sonal has always been telling me.. that you have grown off your she right...? may be...

I'm lacking that something in my life.... know not what..
and i want it back... i can get it back .. the day i want it badly..
but i fear.. i fret from getting that freshness... that charm back in me.. it has been my ruin..
and it will always be.....

There are thousands of wishes that dare not come on my lips.. and will never... i feel momentary pain at times why i can't have these wishes of mine fulfilled....

Kabhi kisiko muquammal jahan nahin milta...
kahin jameen to kaheen aasman nahin milta...
jise bhi dekhiye woh apne aap mein gum hai
zubaan mili hai magar humzubaan nahin milta..
bhuja saka hai bhala kaun waqt ke shole
yeh aisi aag hai jisme dhuaan nahin milta..
tere jahan mein aisa nhain ke pyaar na ho..
jahan umeed ho iski wahan nahin milta..