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Friday, November 21, 2008

I'm Tired But I'm Not Exhausted Still





What a waste.. haah i just love wasting myself .. sometimes for diamond and sometimes for dust.. but i am too much into wasting myself.. and this time I'm tired but I'm not exhausted still... it's my wild wild moods.. I'm in one of those moods when i feel like flinging the damned me off the cliff... aaha but i don't get that .. here at least in Delhi.... :(( no cliff... lolzzzz!!!..

they dread my mood swings... but know what i fret from myself.. lolzzz!!!.. laugh it off.. scorn it off.. but it remains.. it's so still like a eternal curse.. but i always take it as a blessing... me .. my utter insolence... ain't i a pert chirrup baby!!!!!!!?????????

I am what i am... what a phrase... deify or defy .... none .. may be...

I crave.. i crave for something to fill me up to the throat lest I'll go insane again. Why this again? I thought i have gained knack over my impatience and unwarned of longings. Desire to be free. I'm feeling that I'm being shackled. Thousands of stupid & silly norms are scoffing me- gibing at my helplessness. How to survive i need a break! Why the damned i am helpless? I'm going to take a big leap this time. Is everybody around prepared? As if i care? yeah! i do care that' why this thought had its way in my out of control mind. First let me ask myself. Am i prepared ? I am not. I have never been prepare for anything except one. And, that one is not yet in my reach.. it's ba far off dream then why worry over it and crib over its coming too late to me.. let it be. I have to be contented with what i can get hold of now and what i can create now.

I'll do something that can help me elevate this frustration, this tension building up in my my mind and heart. It's going to be my ruin. If this energy won't get directed properly then I'll go mad. I will put it to a good use this time.
  • Wind up backlog
  • Get hold of some theatrics
  • Try getting through audition of Gandharva Vidhyalaya ( and i feel i will get through, though I'm not into it much now still i know my potential of expressing varied emotions via dancing)
  • Find out where i can go for violin classes
  • Try out some language
  • Will clear MA(definitely- got to have that screwed up degree anyhow- the signifier of me being an intellectual.. lolzzzz!!!!)
  • Got to do some serious writing this time.. it's high time babes and if not now then never.. remember this works..

I'll do all what i wished or dreamt of.. but if i go far off then who is to be blamed.. my spirit that knows no bounds when once let loose.. who will put reins to it again.. if not i.. cuz I'm not going to do this time.. I'll let myself loose.. loose like air... loose like water.. I'm those element that cannot be restrained with prowess other then the "Self" ... the invincible "Self"...

But, now i have a desire to show what a wild creature i can be.. how crazy i can be.. and what mad end i can drive things to.... Game....... Lost game has to be retrieved... Lost game has to be revived and put to the fore .. where are the dices... I'll play a wildest turn .....

This heart wishes for nothing.. nothing just solace.. that no one is letting me have.. times are against me.. my wishes.. and i have nothing to make things as per my wishes... I wished for just a solace to my tired and exhausted spirit.. and , now i have understood well, asking is of no avail.. let it be then .. let me be a spirit of air.. let me spirit of water.. bore me off.. away away..

Tears.. these silly creatures are just not in my control... have to trickle down my eyes and drop down to my heart.. but i really am not in need of consolation.. why don't they understand... they understand that's why they are there.......I'll not let anybody read me this time.. i'll not let anybody know what 'm ranting on...

If anybody asks me what thee Nicky.. what should i say... it's my heart that ails me.. it's my heart .. it's my small wishes that tortures me to such an extent that i go insane....

I keep contradicting myself with every thought.. aahaa .. my old self... I'll dance to Your tunes once again... I wish i could have a dance partner who can make me go mad with the soul wrenching moves....that ultimate orgasm.... you being the ultimate musician and you being the ultimate dancer.. you will be my partner one day.... may be that won't be a mortal day... but that will be a day.... and I'll not stop.. I'll swirl.. that day my world will gyrate around you.....

One day I'll give myself to You.. or You will take me up...??? That day will be my world's end.....Or my journey back home.. and Home is where You are.....If You are the home then why I'm here... why 'm being inflicted so much pains.. why You made my heart this way.... why You did this to me? Why always you keep fighting with me when i keep listening to You.... ? Had i been unruly for You then tell me.. Had i been disobedient to You.. no .. never... it' You who keep troubling me.. What i asked You.. or do i need to ask for things again and again.. when You already know what i want...

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