Thursday, February 26, 2009

Frustration Over Sad Plight Of Beloved Delhi

Almost every second person around or amidst us loves imagining a world too different from the one inhabited. Isn’t it? Yes, we all are victims of this social phenomenon where we are too stuck up with our daily chores, careers, education, and socializing that we don’t get enough space to relax back. Apart from this our work and progress has contributed to a world where there is no more a place to get solace from. What to do in such claustrophobic world where you have no air to breathe in. We are just being choked with emissions of various poisonous gases. Do you really think we are progressing? I personally feel that we are collecting the paraphernalia of our own destruction and one day we will shoot ourselves dead on the heap of all progressive waste.

Delhi, the capital of India, everyday bears some kind of digging. Digging streets all over the city and installing flyovers everywhere on the pretext of reducing the traffic ratio. Why don’t they understand that it’s their flyover constructing plan is the medium of getting more and more traffic into the city. How can you harbor a silliest notion like this in your mind? This is what caretakers of Delhi- the hub of India are doing. God, I just keep wondering what the hell these people are up to. You just feel like a lost being in your own home. It seems as if you need some kind of map or rather some location finder to get to destination. No wonder you go out shopping and lost way back home as some new digging has already begun and you have long trail of barricades with message- “Diversion-Work Is In Progress.”

Connaught Place, ITO Bridge, Pushta Road, Peera Garhi Chowk, and so on phew list is too long to be surmised on my blog. Everywhere construction, dust, machineries, and road rollers! The fact is we are not making a nicer Delhi- We are losing ourselves in the name of one thing or the other everyday. And, government has its own views- they feel they are preparing Delhi for an international event. As per their plan we need to look at the bigger picture-The high-tech and the marvelously advanced Delhi. What a beautiful city it used to be once and now it’s just heap of dust. I bet if you will go for vacation and come back after a week or so you will be amazed at the pace of constructional changes that takes place here.

I went to CP today and it took almost an hour or may be more than that to reach ITO Bridge. Now, To reach ITO bridge you have to take left (in the direction of Noida route) and then take U turn underneath flyover for Noida and take hellish turn to get on to Ito bridge. Site where there used to be Yamuna once is now all dug up and some Metro construction is going on. The plight is that Government is working towards expanding Metro Rail Network and connect whole of the Delhi and NCR but they have neglected the security, maintenance, and cleanliness in the rail. Crowd from UP, Haryana, and border areas definitely have got way into the Metro commuting but what of order it has gone and nowadays metro looks like a “Blueline Bus.” There are so called barricaded placed on platforms so that passengers can stand in queue and let passengers inside metro alight first. But, as soon as train arrives and doors gets opened, goddamn to the queue people don’t even care while pushing an old woman or stepping over the feet of a kid just to get hold of a convenient place to stand or a seat.

There was a ruckus that when there will be metro need for bus will be done with. Forget about getting away with buses, new buses are getting launched. Traffic seems to have no end-it’s increasing at rapid pace with no bounds at all.

Those ridiculous guards and lady police posted at Metro station to check bags and passengers keep gossiping leaving their posts vacant for long time. They check just for the sake of checking. Don’t even have time to check properly. And, then common man has to suffer the consequences of such neglect in duties.

I just feel so sorry that to what state Yamuna has been degraded to. The law prohibiting to Polythene usage had been issued two years back and yet nobody gives a ear to it. Now, after such a long time, when whole of the river has dried and choked up with Polythene waste shopkeepers have placed a kind of paper notice “Please do bring your shopping bags from home."

Where the hell are those good-for-nothing environmentalists who keep boasting off their noble missions in press and have no time to turn up when Yamuna is on the verge of extinction? When a resident applies to cut a tree outside his home as its branches gets ripped off taking their house's roof down then these forest department people come up sating you will be fined for cutting trees and where they are now when whole of the land is being raped by some preposterous automatons almost every second. Yes, we humans are biggest of vermin who marauds the land which gives us a firm standing. We rape it and keep digging into it further and further just for the sake of singing our false pride  of being called as - "Advanced Nation."

I'm seriously upset with the condition of this beautiful City Delhi. :( Trying to construct commonwealth games village in Delhi and that too at the cost of the life of the city! And, Do you know what's the life of the city or rather say what used to be its life-open spaces, Yamuna River, broad GT Road, Cultural Heritage sites and all of these seems to be shunned and deteriorated under the debris of modern developmental technology and erratic & mercurial policies of Indian Government.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dev D.

Movie is dark, psychedelic, a drunken stupor, melancholy yet far better than Saratchandra’s Devdas which prefers death over life; gloom over bliss. Dev D. celebrates life despite of the dark humor that prevails in the whole movie.

I got a call from my college friend Megha and she was sounding too excited for a day like Monday. I said, “Hey Meghs what’s up girl?” And, she talked in the spookiest way I have expected of her ever. “We are going for Dev D this coming Thursday or Friday” I was like, “Ok no problem! Who else is coming along?” So, it was our trio- Megha, Deepa, and Me going for a movie. I wanted to watch Delhi 6 on Friday but she insisted on Dev D which she couldn’t watch with her family. I agreed. I did hear a lot of hype about Dev D and the steamy- adult scenes it has. Phew!! In whole of the movie, in whole three hours I didn’t get to see anybody getting nude practically. This is how grapevine works- people went on to say that this is a porn. Deepa was literally commenting at every scene” where the damn Porn is? Now, I was bit uncomfortable with such remarks and tried to hush her but do she cares? Never! Guys sitting right behind us were popping up now and then to check her out. Aaah! And, the actual steamy scenes were going right at my right hand side where literal thumping had begun. I was just at loss since how hard I tried keeping my gaze off that couple still it wandered there through corners of my eyes.

Though I'm not a big movie freak yet I watch movies nevertheless. I prefer watching offbeat cinema. And, nowadays we are almost greeted with some kind of hatke movies from bolly platform. Dev D. is one of those kinds which I definitely check out. So, here are some of my reflections on this new flick of bollywood starring Abhay Deol, Mahi Gill, Kalki Koechlin, and Dibyendu Bhattacharya. Now, Anurag Kashyap has done some too-apt and in-consonance with the present day world. I do not say that there are not too-honest lovers in the world. There are guys who love their girl like anything and go to any extent for their love’s sake. But, please cut this crap. No more such love stories look so enticing to Indian audiences anymore. They need love story, of course but with a swiveling twist-“masala marke” types of love stories. This means that they want to see themselves-a lover right from the common herd stalking the face of earth stalking on-scren instead of those fantastic lovers like Dilip Kumar of Classic Devdas and Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Devdas.

Guys and girls used to fall in love in past and they do so today even. The difference lies in their understanding and handling of situations. Love doesn’t always meet happy ending so be prepared for whatever comes in your way. Often parents become hurdle in the way of lovers (classic Devdas story) and sometimes misunderstandings may happen to be one of the reasons for splitting up of lovers (Dev D).

Abhay Deol has become my favorite since his debut in Socha Na Tha with Ayesha Takia and Apoorva Jha. He has flair of a common man which looks so real and I feel every one sitting in audience can relate himself with Abhay on-screen. The tone, the gestures, the movements, looks, personality is too familiar. It’s as if someone from your acquaintance is in front of you.

Coming back to Movie- Dev D – a millennium take on Sarat chandra’s Devdas. He would have gone neurotic after seeing this version of his novel on screen. Complete psychedelic mood throughout the movie. Somebody who loves vodka will sure shot love their fav beverage being promoted the way it’s done in the flick. ‘Coke ke sath Vodka’- well, I prefer Limca with Vodka otherwise neat.

Now, our young stud is not in habit of calling his father ‘dad’ and chap has valid reason, “grand mum calls you Sattu mum call you Sattu then why shouldn’t I call you Sattu.” Consequently father sends him off to London for further studies. Now, movie opens with our young Dev waiting for Paro who comes running amidst the fields of Punjab. Typical Punjabi kudi with salwar kurti and loose hair. She brings some paranthas along with no “achar” and gets bullied with brash Dev. She says “Sattu tujhe dhundh raha hai.” Poor Sattu even manager’ daughter calls him by his lovey-dovey name Sattu. The scene is followed by Dev getting punished and as a result sent to London. Meanwhile Paro and Dev remain in touch via electronic mails and phone calls. He asks her coyly on phone, “do you touch yourself?” Not only the dialogue but the tone in which it’s being said is too personal and very much like that of an ordinary man-someone amidst us. This is what actually happens and not the fancy words used by Shahrukh and Akshay Kumar in real life (self-righteous and idyllic lover boy image). Of course people talks of so many romantic stuff but this is how a young man in love with a girl living miles apart talks the way our 21st century Dev did with Paro. Now, Paro sends a nude picture of hers to Dev and I was really expecting him to burst into pleasure  but on the contrary he called her and with heavy throat and a gasp said “Paro, I’m coming.” And, there and then Deepa shot a remark- “Silly girl you should have mailed him earlier and break up this long wait.”

Now, Dev arrives to find a wedding going on and you can see the desperation in the couple to get done with it. But, of no avail! They don’t get place to rest their heat. Often they get caught by girls’ father. And such I the desperation Paro aska a village fella whom she had given favors previously for the keys of his room to which he refuses blatantly. The same fellow tells how hot she is in bed to Dev who forsakes her. Now, that’s what an ordinary chap does instead of being mahan all the time- manager ki ladki, not apt to be daughter-in-law of our home and so on…

Paro is a modern girl and not a traditional bhartiya nari( who will sit and pine for Dev and become devdasi) she accepts the proposal of marriage by a middle aged man and father of two kids. She too catch Dev having her would-be’s sister in his room. This is the end of Dev’s love life.

He is portrayed as typical stud who keeps blaming world for his miseries, Paro for running his life, betrayals, and drinks, drinks, and drinks. As he is a modern Devdas so resorts to Drugs and Vodka.

On the other side of the world of Dev D there is this school girl who striptease for her boyfriend and he makes MMS and sends to all. She is ruined, expelled out of school, family devastated; father watches the MMS and shoots himself. Mother takes to drinking and tries to get her a preposterous looking (man with hint of lascivious inklings) suitor, she flees to Pind in Punjab where her grand parents keeps torturing her for her father’s death, again she flees from there back to Delhi, a female dalla eyes her and takes her along and proposes her to stay with them –work and study along. She gets enrolled for 12th boards again and scores well. She tells the broker (modern day chunni laal) when she is ready for business and then begins her role play of an American school-girl-slut-game. She earns and learns-gets enrolled in DU for B.Sc. Hons. Now her room is a special suite wherein forlorn lover Dev lends after huge bout of vodka and calls Paro’s name in drunken stupor. Now, this girl Lenny opts herself a name Chanda (the alternative for going whole length Chandramukhi) for herself. And, you have those mushy phone-sex overhearings of Abhay Deol when client seeks to have orgasmic pleasure in Tamil. She gets trained and hones her orgasm-faking-sessions-to-shell-off-goodsum from clients over the period of her stay in the “VIP Suite.” Dev is successfully lured in by modern day Chunni and invited over to Lenny’s chamber where he overhears her phone-sex session in Tamil. The best is yet to come when she calls herself a “randi” and says that people like Dev (Abhay) prefers calling Escort, call girl and blah blah blah…. This is true, tour so-called elite societal men loves having night outs and coffees and do the same fucking stuff yet they prefer using decent names(pun intended). She says, “Let not him come second time lest I’ll fall in love,” and so it happens. She falls in love only to be awakened from trance when modern Chunni fearing that she might lose business sends a client over in her room while she was off for college classes. Abhay leaves-drinks “Vodka with Coke”, rides over sleeping beggars on footpath, called in for lawsuit, sent over to Punjab where father gets expired after listening his son’s acts, on the way back to Delhi to show up in court bribes driver who gets him(Abhay) drunk and throws him in drunken state and runs off with money that was given to Dev for lawyer’s fees.

Dev realizes that it’s Chanda he needs and not Paro, it’s the former who loved him irrespective of his follies so the hunt begins. He goes to her previous place only to found that she had left it. Once on one of their evening parade in town, Chanda took him to a momo eating stall where she loves to come whenever depressed. Dev goes there in state of utter desolation and dejection and the stall boy who had been given tip by Dev during good pocket-filled times keep serving him momos without taking money instead. Then one day he finds Chanda sitting in an Auto. They get back together and she shows him ring which he forgets in her “VIP Suite” considering it for herself. However, the ring he bought for Paro which he doesn’t feel is of much importance so never mentions it to Lenny). Now, Lenny and Dev heads for a new life.

There are people who have been talking about Dev D. being overtly sexual throughout the length- so for this I would like to say , go and read the novel, it is full of sexual connotations appropriate to the times hen it was written. Expressions of sexuality differs and changes from time to time. Come on man it’s twenty first century and what do you expect from an escort chanting some hymns.

  • When Dev was in state of utter desolation,, broken with Paro’s marriage, Lenny tells him- when you re in pain you need to talk and consoles his bereaving heart.
  • Similarly, when Lenny tells him of her life-MMS scandal, her father’s suicide she says, “ instead of consoling me and saying ‘jo ho gaya so ho gaya ab aage ki zindagi dekhni hai’ my father shot himself dead and left me exposed and alone in front of vultures( man & woman in world). At this juncture Dev says, “idhar aa” holds her in his arm, “koi baat nahin beta jo ho gaya so ho gaya, main hun tere sath.” Don’t you think so this is the master stroke of the movie? It is indeed!
  • This is what ought to be done in such situations instead of debarring person guilty. If Lenny’s father would have said so and instead of shooting himself in mouth protected her from world out there, things would have been different for her. I agree it takes lot time to cover up such blunders but time is biggest of healers we shouldn’t forget this.
  • Women in the movie are not stereotypical women dying to have Dev in their arms. They are modern woman who act on their will and have better understanding of their acts and their consequences. They are free to choose. Paro when demeaned by Dev no more lingers after him, leaves him straight away and gets onto wedlock. Chanda knew Dev is a man who thinks he is being tortured, he is the one who had received “emotional atyachar” yet she loves him to leaves her brothel life for him(indeed for Good!
  • A good moral I say- “Man is a Slut”- “All humans are slut” we all at some time, place an situations bargains of our dignity, life, pride, chastity owing to the enslavement by our own emotions.
  • Anurag Kashyap has given new life to Devdas( so is the name Dev D.), Paro, Chandramukhi. No more dying! Paro gets insulted by Dev who calls her slut so she in turn insults him by showing him his stature- when she goes to meet him in his stinking room, cleans it up and make it worth living into, washes his cloth and then doesn’t allow him to have her. She says, “tujhe teri aukat dikha rahi hun.”
  • Whole of the movie has hint of sexuality- of course everyone do have sexual desires so is the vent required. Paro takes her own way, Dev has his own means, and Chanda is forced by her circumstances.
  • Dev of Dev D. unlike romantic and fanciful Devdas of novel realizes that he needs to bring his life on track. This reminded me of Plato’s adage- “Never trust (love?) a Man more than the truth.” While searching Chanda he stops by telephone booth to call her and suddenly a car gets crashed their and the man dies on the spot. This incident was a turbulent jolt on the psyche of Dev who realizes that it’s high time when if you do not want to die like a mongrel then wake up , stand up and get of out of the mess right away. This is the ideal way and not the one like that of classic Devdas story where lover dies on the porch of his lady love. Be reasonable, it’s the need of present times. Isn’t it?

In strictest sense movie is honest, fair part is given to all characters. In classic Devdas tale Why Paro and Devdas loves has been shown as a complete which is in fact enshrewed with vanity, pride, false honor, and stubborn mind’s workings. And, why Chandramukhi who loves Devdas with her whole heart and leaves her profession (her only resource of eking out life- since prostitutes were not allowed to get into decent professions) just for his sake not being exalted as Paro? Paro, as per Indian traditions is wrong on her part since once you have entered into marital vows in front of the pious fire you ought to forget your past and love the person you get married to. It becomes your “Dharm and karm.” How can such women be pious who even in a marital relation keeps loving man from her past life? Isn’t she a prostitute in real terms? But, she is a sung lover so how can people protest against her image. Chandramukhi is after all a prostitute whose love should not be considered in bright light and glorified terms. No justice should be done to her character; she should be left to pine for her whole life.

Dev-Chanda theme music and songs are delight to ears. And, “emotional atyachar” is in fact what every character keeps fighting throughout the movie and the said ‘atyachar’ is done none other then by themselves.

Characters are carved on free canvas with free hand brushes. No one is being forced to take any decision. Whatever characters are was done in complete conscious state of mind with no pressure from society, parents, and traditions. They are modern, educated, and intelligent enough to understand the situations.

Anurag Kashyap has portrayed his heroines in brilliant hues of independence, sexuality, desires, choices, emotions, and determined will. These two heroines are foils to each other and are fiery. They know what is best for them and are not going to let any “fucking Men” usurp their “Will To Decide & Be.”

Anurag Kashyap must get pat on shoulder for doing terrific job. I liked movie and loved it for being Honest I may have left so many important points may be later I may come up with some left-overs in the post but as of now I’m done with this review and hope that readers whosoever they be have enjoyed this review.

Movie: Dev D

Banner: UTV Spotboy

Genre: Romantic Drama

Producer: Ronnie Screwvala

Director: Anurag Kashyap

Star Cast: Abhay Deol, Mahi Gill, Dibyendu Bhattacharya, Kalki Koechlin

Release Date: 6th February 2009


Love is a strange phenomenon that engulfs your whole personality and drowns you into oblivion hard to break. When you love someone the whole meaning of your life and your existence in it changes to its very core. You cannot just remain what you were. You tend to become someone whom you have never met with. All of a sudden you start feeling tremendous impulses running through your veins like warm blood. These impulses get their vent in myriad ways irrespective of your conscious self. You do what you have never done; you speak what you have never thought of. The whole of your existence goes wayward snatching you hither-thither.

You, who have always been too confident, smart and untouched with vile envy, get it imbued in your cells so much so that you act weird owing to its effects on you. You become vulnerable to all sorts of emotions and lose hold over your reason.

This doesn't implicate that Love makes you bad and has wrong impressions on your life. Love is a sublime process which like any other living process is vital for human existence. Howsoever people try to avoid it, it happens, happens to every one of us.

Now, let me make myself clear that here I'm not talking about love for parents, siblings, kith & kin as for every relation it has definitely same meaning and definition but different expressions and ways of expressions. When you say "I love my Parents"- then do not misunderstand it as a love that you have cultivated for them within you. It is something inborn- you are born with that feeling, for them. They are the ones who brought you to this world so no doubt you will love them in all its exuberance, intensity, and purity. When you love your siblings then it's in your blood. You are one in flesh and blood borne out of same parents. Friends are the beings who form a family out of your home province with whom you spend half of your growing years playing, sharing secrets, gossiping, studying, and supporting.

After this comes a stage in life when you are no more a kid who doesn't know ways of life, who is no more a teenager who needs to understand various stages of growth & development and come to terms with self physiology & psychology. You become an adult who starts understanding the world around in its complete sense. You have become mature enough to understand the meanings of various human relations and have developed good sense of judgment as well (no human is perfect so stumbling is a natural tendency). This is the time when your secondary sex characters have also developed fully and you start recognizing your tastes and inclinations.

Humans are social animals so they need to have a society, companionship i.e. a sense of belonging. Getting attracted to a being other than you is a natural human tendency- man attracts woman and vice versa. (There are other exceptions as well where man-man-gay; woman-woman-lesbians.) This is the time when you really start looking for a companion- one who belongs solely to you and you to them. Man to woman is like oxygen to life.

There are various stages of falling in love with someone other than your family, kith & kin. And, this loving becomes so special because here there is no blood relation, no social relation, and not even a mere humanity- it's beyond every other relation- your whole life chemistry gets involved in it.

Now, this is where I need to stop hurting my keyboard and give it some rest. Some reading and analysis is to be done before I move further on. I hope I can write some good piece worth spending time on.

Though, most of my writings are dramatic monologue or rather call them as monologues to myself yet if anyone finds it worth reading then please do bear the felicities since I'm no expert just a scribbler who out of habit of making fingers dance on paper hopped on to this e-paper.

P.S. All words and concepts made here are mere my personal observations.

What It Is To Be A Woman?

One of the most interesting phenomenon in day-to-day life is the "scanning." No, don't tell me you thought of scanning a photograph out of that junk attached to your PC. I am talking about live scanning of a girl walking down the street or standing right in front of you behind the counter or in queue.

Men have such a tendency to scan your body from your dress even if it is not made of a see-through fabric. They start off with your lips to eyes and then to lips and then glide down following the curves of your chin to your neck's deep and then straight to the cleavage. And, this is when you start feeling someone checking you out. Until then you are not even bothered or rather say you don't even realize that you have been checked-out by someone. You really really feel bad yet a tingling begins bubbling up within you. You just feel like finding out who is the chap looking at you. If your connoisseur is a dashing & handsome hunk then you feel pride. All of a sudden your attitude changes and air of smashing hit on table circles around you. Forbid me! If the chap scanning you is an ugly looking middle aged man then you feel like cursing him and using swear words on the top of the voices. You say all sorts of nonsense calling him a scoundrel and an impotent bungler who has no respect for women.

See! This is how woman psychology and instincts work. Don't blame poor us. How to survive in such a world where double standards prevail? If a man turns around to check out a girl then it's too happening but if a girl turns around to check the smart dude in a group then she is a loose woman. Now, in such case what should be done? You definitely enjoy being checked out. You love to be praised and paid compliments to but you just cannot welcome such remarks from anyone not on your acquaintance list. Being a woman you must be in limits and follow decorum set for your sex since ages.

But, But, But Girls times have changed a lot considerably. No more being shy about your feelings and desires. Open up and be a sport! Do what you feel like doing. Be what you feel like being. Just one advice you should adhere to: Do not do anything that puts blotch on your feminine spirit. Woman are one of the most sublime being created by Lord Almighty. She is being endowed with art, culture, tradition, shame, beauty, sublimity, motherly affections, maiden's bloom, delicacy of flowers, and brilliance of hues. So, make sure that you do not lose any of these qualities while pursuing your dreams and striving to attain your individuality.


Blogging has become kind of passion for me now. Blogging about ramblings of my confused self that keeps searching for meanings expressed beyond words. And, let me tell you this is the worst part of my character that I try to reach for something which is not visible to common understanding. Now, tell me, what's the use of hankering after something which is too difficult to attain? But, I think this is a very natural human tendency to go for what is beyond our grasp. The Game! Isn't Life An Interesting Game? Every fraction of second spent breathing is so unpredictable and fun. Yeah! I said fun! This is what exactly our life is- if we see it as a fun it will be a great adventure with lots of twists and turns to make your stomach churn with tickling.

This is I suppose third so-called blogaventure I'm embarking on. Gauche! What a crazy weirdo I am. Dream-Dreams- this is what I'm wholly made up of. Tit-bits of everyone's dream[s]- This is what Nicky stands for! So, here I'm trying to get myself lost in the world as a stranger and find out what the hell is going on! :) Oh Lord! This finding-out-oneself-game has become an integral part of my living. LOL!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Amit Weds Kavita

It’s my best friend’s wedding today. I have no words to surmise my happiness. I’m so happy and above all I’m happy to see him Happy. He was looking dashing bridegroom. He is already too handsome but today his face was brimming with happiness of getting married to love of his life. I remember how much I yearned to look that smile in Deepak’s eyes on our engagement. I was so happy that my lips remained stretched into a bright smile whole time. I kept looking at him- I just couldn’t take my eyes off him and was waiting-now, now he will look at me and smile to me. He will assure me of his happiness. Lord how much I yearned but he was too busy in other worldly things that he didn’t bother to look straight at me. I know he just didn’t want to show off but does world, kith & kin concerns weighs more than my happiness. Alas!

Anyway whatever happened happened. But, I’m too glad that Amit was smiling the way I was while looking at Deepak in my engagement. And, Kavita responded to every smile of his. One could easily see how happy they both were and indeed they should be after all they love each other so intensely that they reached this stage in life.

Amit Weds Kavita on 22nd February 2009

They had to stand on a raised round platform for garland offering. Both of them were made to stand on opposite ends of the platform and then they climbed stairs taking every step together. When they reached platform friends, relatives, and cousins all started shouting “oye ek dusre ko pakad lo” and suddenly platform started revolving and Kavita got frightened and she gripped Amit’s arm in jiffy and he too held her by her waist so that she may not fall. Such a sweet sight to behold! Many shots were taken and they kept standing there holding each other and then garlands offered.

My eyes went watery at the same moment- I felt so good while looking at them. They were looking very beautiful. May God Bless their wedding life!

Indian Bride is an ultimate beauty to look at. Red Lehenga, Nath, tika,gehne, chudiyon bhare hath, mehandi, payal, sindur, mangalsutra… I wonder main kaisi lagungi?

Man udas ho jata hai jab kabhi kisiki shadi hoti hai aur main apne sune hath dekhti hun. Aaj samajh aata hai ki late shaadi hone par ladkiyan itni pareshan kyun ho jati hain. Earlier I used to make fun but now I understand and have seen and experienced that how difficult it becomes to sustain yourself when you have outgrown your age of marriage. Now, I know why girls ought to get married in between the age of 20-24 years. Young girl looks beautiful as bride. Once you have crossed 25 you are no more a young bride, maturity gets ubiquitous on your face. And, you are already at a stage of being frustrated with your sexuality that your face doesn’t look blooming, young, and tender at all. I’ll be 25 now. I wish I’ll get married some day. Someday I’ll also become a bride and that day Deepak will look into my eyes and say I Love You and I am Happy to make you my life partner. I will die for that instance when he will look at me direct in my eyes with same intensity of love and happiness as mine. I wish!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Strings Of Memory- The Realms Unknown

Nostalgia is something like my sinusitis problem that keeps occurring very so often. So, I have lot many things to look back at and ponder over. In these 24 years of my life two went in oblivion as I am unable to recollect the incidents that passed in first two years of my life. Yet, I can somehow recall some incidents; there might be something affective those incidents so they left strong imprints on my mind scape.

I remember myself wearing some high-heeled sandals and climbing stairs; I remember myself draped in blanket and hunching upon a cement chair in some veranda and talking to next door neighbor who is ironing his wife’s sari; I can recall a house where my great grand mom came to stay with us and when my mother gave her a sari as a present for staying with us for some days then my little brother took sari out of her suitcase and put that back into mum’s Safe. I really wonder how intense picture of these few incidents is in my mind. As if I just need to flip some pages backwards and there those past gone days are intact though in the form of yellowed pages owing to the lapse of time in between.

It often happens with me that something which is going on in present seems as if already had happened in the same manner. And, I often notice myself saying hey mum I said same thing, standing at the same place at the same time already. I think we are repeating the whole scene. But, this is not the case. Often our dreams show us our future in most vague form and our conscious self wipes off the memory of such dream from our mind until the incident happens in reality. I don’t know it happens with others or not. But, I have experienced this and it happens with me too often.

Dreams are a unique way of receiving messages that cannot be understood when wide awake in broad day light.

When I fell sick I feel as if some young boy of 14-15 years is sitting by my side near my pillow and holding my hand. His one hand is caressing my forehead. And, this kind of hallucination occurs when I’m completely bed-ridden and unconscious due to high fever. The moment I feel such presence the temperature starts falling down. Is it my hallucination or something deeply meaningful? Sounds little weird but happens. I asked mum about it. What I came to know is that during freedom fighting days one of my forefathers died at the age of 17 after tripping off the horse. While dying he asked some folk to convey his final message to his people that- whenever they face any good or bad time he must be remembered. So, whenever, some festivity is in our family or we make some sweet we take out a portion in his name and give it the head of the family to have. She says he guards our home in all times so may be he protects you from getting any serious harm.

There are several phenomenons that keep occurring in our mortal world but are far from our grasp and reach- simply beyond our understanding. What Aristotle called them- Occult!

Monday, February 16, 2009

An Incident

I was walking down the streets of Connaught Place and a beggar girl approached me. Shabby, stingy, dirty body, untidy hair stuck in braid as if never knew what water is, and bare feet. She clung to my leg and begged for some money. I tried to shoo her away but such a reluctant little creature she was. I said, “Fine, come along. I’ll see how far you will trail along and then I’ll take you home. There you will have to do all washing, cleaning, and cooking. This will be a great idea! Isn’t it, girl?” Her face was a sight to be captured. She was literally horror struck as if I am some children kidnapper and will bag her in my backpack. I kept holding her hand and didn’t let her go. She pleaded, “Please let me go. I want to go. Leave me!” And, I became little adamant and didn’t let her go. Finally, she said, “Let me go I won’t beg ever!”

I looked at her face smeared with dust and tears running down her cheeks. I was definitely not going to harm her. What I wanted was just that please do not tug at cloths and hinder the path. This may be dangerous for both the passers on and beggars. You never know when some vehicle hits you off.

I looked at her and smiled. I told her to not to behave in such a weird manner as it may be dangerous for her since there are many goons out there in search of little kids. They slash their neck and bleed them hard till they die. She was scared. I really didn’t want to do this. But, a girl of 6 years can only be stopped from tugging at the feet of passers on at Main Street. ( there are some underworld people associated with these beggar kids and families who instructs and train them in begging skills). World has become too dangerous. I read in some local magazine some time back that a beggar girl of 5 years was gang raped by some bus conductors.

Coming back to where I was. I had a burger in my hand. I handed it over to her and patted on her shoulder. After walking a little distance I turned back to find that she was still standing on that side pavement with burger in her hand and looking at me constantly. I smiled at her and waved her goodbye. She chuckled and ran off to the pavement opposite to red light (opposite to the building where there was Mother’s Pride earlier).

How queer & tingling it seems to see children acting out their follies in grandiose splendor. I wish I could be a kid once again!

Meaning With No Meaning At All

Let me sing a song
Song of Love & Care
Let me sing a song
Song of my Heart & Pleasure
Let me sing a song
Song of Soil & Water

Come and rest in my lap
feel the love & warmth
O little girl of mine
why you feel so sad
Are you in pain
don't lose yourself in vain
It's no worth your tears
nor even your fears
come in my lap baby
here you will have all warmth
Come and rest for a while
Life is a journey long
you have to make all alone

don't let yourself deterred
Life is a journey long
Baby you have to make it all alone
Human is a forsaken child
comes alone
goes alone
rest in my lap for a while
here you will have all warmth
let it give strength to your body fragile
Do not get deterred
You will make it one day
You will be a shinning star
O my blessed child
That will be the day when world will see
my girl shinning like an ivory in the sky high

I'm your mother come to me when in pain
I'll still give you warmth when world shows you heart rendering chill

My Thoughts_1

One lesson life teaches me almost everyday and I am yet not ready to understand is- Nothing comes easy! Everything has a price- even happiness! And, the price can be emotional, psychological, physical, or material.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I know and yet I know Not!

Daily I sign in into a world which is so different from the one I am living in.. I have many people around me in this virtual world but no one with me. What‘s so different in it? Since, even in the so-called real world no one is with me. A human is born alone with nothing in hands so he goes back alone with nothing in hands. What for we are made when we are to die? Why such a beautiful life given when so many stuffs to struggle with? I have heard many saying life is a struggle and this is what makes it worth living…

An interesting phase of one’s living is to create chaos and then struggle to come out of it either as winner or failure. Life’s game is so similar to that of one played by my pet. She picks up her collar in jaws and strangles her neck with it somehow and then come to me so that I try to snatch it with her and then she will struggle in winning it back from me...

This is how we live. We create situations and circumstances sometimes on own and sometimes via some indirect agency. And, once done with letting ourselves into some pathetic situation- we crib, cry, yell and then struggle to wade through. And, such is the vanity of humans – that we feel so good and idolized when someone says, “ oh this man! He struggled all his life and see still surviving. He is an ultimate inspiration for youth/ people in general”

If successful in coming out of vicissitudes then we are the hard workers, determined and survivors. And, if we stop struggling and let the ‘nature take its course’ then we are often considered as losers.

Stop fighting, stop reacting, stop working, stop expressing, stop surviving - STOP LIVING!

I have become so indifferent to things happening to me, or rather say I have become little impudent in reacting to happenings around me. I simply don’t want to be part of anything. I just want to relax my nerves and sleep for long time. I want to go back to those days when I used to wander all alone in woods, fields, sometimes running wild, sometimes picking flowers and leaves, sometime cycling, sometimes lying down on grass with wet soil fragrance creeping into my nostrils and engulfing my senses. I just want to be back in time- time the only time which I choose to be in. Not all times have been beautiful for me. Not all times makes me happy when recalled. Not all times make me feel at peace. Some disturbs, disturbs to an extent that I feel being raped mentally by my own inner self – that self – that self who is swallowing down my desires, my feelings, my life bit by bit slowly.

Why struggles, why not relax and peace

Why pains and why not only smiles

Not even laughter I need… just smile… warm smiles of the passers by who look at some lonely flower in the field and smile at its being there all alone and still vibrating in splendor.

Such is life made of….

Why I feel so melancholic and dejected at times that I feel stranger to myself. When I look my image into the mirror seems some strange girl is standing opposite to me with dark and deep eyes- tired with waiting and terrified with something bizarre. Pale complexion and dried lips…. Blue veins in neck looks so blue and hands of some unworldly being- yellow and frail. Who is she? I am always scared of this image and I often see it. When I’m alone; when I’m in such moods; when I’m thinking and yet not thinking and tears flow so easy down my eyes.

What’s happening to me? What happens to me actually?

I want to eat something sweet- some dessert….may be some hot chocolate cake with no icing on it baked simply. May be I want to have something that may burn down something inside me. I would like to have something red or chocolate…

I would like to become a cook- no may be a dancer- no may be a painter- I think I would like to become ‘nothing’ once in my life…. I don’t know how to become ‘Nothing’

I want to be a mermaid…. Or a wood nymph-Daphne

Sunday, February 8, 2009

Respect Your Woman

The Living Hell- this is what I call to a marriage that's being dragged so as to keep up the pretenses of being virtuous in the eyes of social circle you move in. Indian women have since long attributed themselves to this drudgery- Of being ridiculed if they are illiterate, cannot manage home, if kids go astray. It's all over her head! She is the one to be blamed! None else! If children does something good and excels in every sphere including studies, career, personal relationships & c. then it's the father who will be honored and if something goes wrong then where the hell mother is she is the one who brought them up. It's her doing, she failed to inculcate right manners and attitude in her children. Why not blame father? This is how society works even today. Howsoever advanced we be this is the reality of common woman in India.
She should be smart, intelligent, and literate- a perfect encomium of :Lady of Letters and lady of the house.

I remember one of my friend whose father is a reader of Political science in Some college of Delhi University abhorred his wife's company in public. Why? Just because she is a village woman who is uneducated and don't know how to dress up and behave in modern educated society. He forgot that despite of being an ordinary woman with no knowledge of books and literature she still managed his house, brought up his four kids, maintained his lifestyle, took care of his home and gave her whole life in handling these few chores that weighs to a penny in front of his education.

I wonder how he got a cheek to say that she is a worthless piece of furniture that's being stacked up into his life forcefully. I was in shock for so many days when my friend told me that her father is disturbed these days because he feels her mom is not fit to go around with in meetings and social get-together. Come on man, she is the lady of your house. Whatever be the case, even if she is illiterate she cooked for you, washed for you, cleaned for you, maintained your house, and took care of children so that you can move out in your circle of friends without any tension.

After giving away her whole life to a man she is reduced to nothing-this is the common woe that thousands of woman here are still going through. Man goes abroad for job and on return to home after seeing his children going astray puts all blame to their mother. Why? Is it her sole responsibility to foster good things in the children and not father's as well? OK, I know now man have lots of arguments in his favor- if asked such question he may revert you with this- then what should i do? Shall I sit back at home and take care of chicks? No! Don't do that. But at least do not blame her for all wrong doings. She cannot run after children everywhere. She never know what her girl is doing outside house or what the boy is after and moving in what sort of company. No mother will teach wrong to her children, there are various other outer influences over kids today which one might not get hold of.

On the other hand i know a man who revered his wife till her last breath and even when she is gone he treasures every piece of her memory. He keeps recalling things and telling them in the way of anecdotes to his grand children so that they may learn what life of simplicity and benevolence is. He told me once when he was to take his position as a commercial manager in Indian Airlines he had no shirt to put on that special day. He had one shirt only and one kurta-pajama

His wife opened the seams of his only shirt and cut the pieces of cloth (purchased in cheap prices from local market) and sewed those cut pieces in accordance with the seams of previous shirt. And, this home made shirt he wore on his first day of taking office. His chest swelled with pride while telling this and eyes were brimming with love and reverence for his late wife.

His wife was an un-educated lady whose parents died when she was just 5 years old, her uncle brought her up and married her off at the age of 12. She knew cooking and other household chores. She learned everything on her own. He tells how she learned to knit sweaters for him, sew pants and shirts, cook various dishes, and save thousands from his meager income.

When his brother demised she readily and happily took over the responsibilities of the orphaned children and managed things along with her own children. He respected her because of her greatness of being a WOMAN (Wife+Mother+Friend+Life Partner+Soul mate=His Better Half) and never looked to her figure( plump), illiteracy, and no-knowledge of learned society. He took her on world tour when he got promotion as station manager on Delhi Airport.

He calls her goddess of his little world who illumined his life with her love, care, smiles, and her hardships. He says he would not have been a successful man in his life if his little illiterate woman wouldn't have come in his life.

I just hope every man respects his woman the way he does. Respect woman your she is the one who brings warmth and love in your life. She is the one who makes you a man of understanding and a man to be welcomed in the society of decent people. A lone Man is not apt for society of decent people- but a man with his woman is acknowledged for his being a well-accomplished human.

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.”

PS:: I don't know whatever scribbled there in this blog post is worth a read or not but for me this issue is of great importance. This blog post is triggered after the reading of my old diary pages. Both the cases mentioned are real ones.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Learned...from the Book of Life

I was planning to write something worth reading not only for me but for others as well. In beginning these were monologues then turned to dramatic monologues and now I’m writing so that others can also find something valuable to read and learn. Life is the only teacher in human world with utmost perfection. Nobody can beat its teachings. No soul has gone spared from its lessons then how can I.
Some of the important lessons that I have learnt in past few years:
Do not be impulsive
Do not make hasty decisions- study the pros and cons of everything beforehand
Do not trust everyone around you
Do not crib over what’s already gone wrong
Do not give into the temptation of weeping heart- how difficult it is
Do not be vulnerable to any kind of emotion and people
Do not trust Men who have no respect for Woman
Learn to say no
Do not tolerate violence and abuses
Love as much as you can- love selflessly
Every Woman, even a three year old girl who plays with a doll has motherly affection
Speak lest you will be misunderstood


I’m still an introvert and same little girl who still encounter those dark moods now and then. I haven’t changed in the least and yet I’m a grown up girl. What a confusing mess I am. I still cannot say what bothers me. Even today when I’m upset over something I have no cheek to say that I am hurt. I expected this and something else happened so I am hurt. At times I feel I want too much of everything as if  reaching for something beyond always and at the end of the day I am left with nothing at all.
Khali hath shaam aayi thi
Khali haath jayegi 
Empty Hands came dusk
Empty Hands will it go

I dread myself so much so that I don't want to be left all alone when my temper flairs...