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Thursday, February 12, 2009

I know and yet I know Not!



Daily I sign in into a world which is so different from the one I am living in.. I have many people around me in this virtual world but no one with me. What‘s so different in it? Since, even in the so-called real world no one is with me. A human is born alone with nothing in hands so he goes back alone with nothing in hands. What for we are made when we are to die? Why such a beautiful life given when so many stuffs to struggle with? I have heard many saying life is a struggle and this is what makes it worth living…

An interesting phase of one’s living is to create chaos and then struggle to come out of it either as winner or failure. Life’s game is so similar to that of one played by my pet. She picks up her collar in jaws and strangles her neck with it somehow and then come to me so that I try to snatch it with her and then she will struggle in winning it back from me...

This is how we live. We create situations and circumstances sometimes on own and sometimes via some indirect agency. And, once done with letting ourselves into some pathetic situation- we crib, cry, yell and then struggle to wade through. And, such is the vanity of humans – that we feel so good and idolized when someone says, “ oh this man! He struggled all his life and see still surviving. He is an ultimate inspiration for youth/ people in general”

If successful in coming out of vicissitudes then we are the hard workers, determined and survivors. And, if we stop struggling and let the ‘nature take its course’ then we are often considered as losers.

Stop fighting, stop reacting, stop working, stop expressing, stop surviving - STOP LIVING!

I have become so indifferent to things happening to me, or rather say I have become little impudent in reacting to happenings around me. I simply don’t want to be part of anything. I just want to relax my nerves and sleep for long time. I want to go back to those days when I used to wander all alone in woods, fields, sometimes running wild, sometimes picking flowers and leaves, sometime cycling, sometimes lying down on grass with wet soil fragrance creeping into my nostrils and engulfing my senses. I just want to be back in time- time the only time which I choose to be in. Not all times have been beautiful for me. Not all times makes me happy when recalled. Not all times make me feel at peace. Some disturbs, disturbs to an extent that I feel being raped mentally by my own inner self – that self – that self who is swallowing down my desires, my feelings, my life bit by bit slowly.

Why struggles, why not relax and peace

Why pains and why not only smiles

Not even laughter I need… just smile… warm smiles of the passers by who look at some lonely flower in the field and smile at its being there all alone and still vibrating in splendor.

Such is life made of….

Why I feel so melancholic and dejected at times that I feel stranger to myself. When I look my image into the mirror seems some strange girl is standing opposite to me with dark and deep eyes- tired with waiting and terrified with something bizarre. Pale complexion and dried lips…. Blue veins in neck looks so blue and hands of some unworldly being- yellow and frail. Who is she? I am always scared of this image and I often see it. When I’m alone; when I’m in such moods; when I’m thinking and yet not thinking and tears flow so easy down my eyes.

What’s happening to me? What happens to me actually?

I want to eat something sweet- some dessert….may be some hot chocolate cake with no icing on it baked simply. May be I want to have something that may burn down something inside me. I would like to have something red or chocolate…

I would like to become a cook- no may be a dancer- no may be a painter- I think I would like to become ‘nothing’ once in my life…. I don’t know how to become ‘Nothing’

I want to be a mermaid…. Or a wood nymph-Daphne

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