Saturday, June 20, 2009

What's the Matter?

Just day before yesterday one of my old friend, well someone more than a friend, uummm... let’s just not get into this now it’s a long story we’ll take up later on; Where was I, yeah, Shweta (her name) visited us after a long hiatus of 4 years. I had not been thinking on such silly lines yet, wonder why I told Deepak, “working girls are smart, the way Shweta is and see what a loon and stupid I look in front of her.”

Sonal too is a smart working girl, Nanny too, Tina, and several others. Where do I stand in front of all these girls? They wake up in the morning, get ready for their work place, come back home, relax a while, take dinner, sit with family or go out and then off to bed. When I worked in wiz, I used to wake up at 5:00 AM, clean my room, do dusting of whole house, make tea, wash dishes, take bath, wash my clothes, hang them on cloth line, get ready and leave home for work place around 7:30 AM. Whole day writing content and then by 8:00-9:00 PM back home (for that I used to do walk almost 3.5kms daily avoiding taking rickshaw/three-wheeler to reach Metro station). Back at home sit with family, make tea for everyone, help in kitchen, arrange house for morning, wash dishes after dinner, read a book for an hour or so and then off to sleep.

Nowadays, I wake up early, complete household chores by 9:00 AM, take bath, make breakfast, wash dishes, wash cloths, Iron them, attend to guests (mum’s clients who takes time longer than required to study a single horoscope so I have to make tea, refreshments and all), then make lunch, again washing dishes, broom whole house during evening, take bath, feed my rats and dog, prepare dinner, clean kitchen, and lock terrace and main gate before going to bed (it’s my duty in absence of my papa). Apart from this few hours I do content writing, carry out mum’s order pertaining to marketing and I cannot sleep until my mum sleeps because she has sleeping disorder and her legs aches owing to previous year surgery so I get to sleep by 1:00-1:30 midnight.

I have o regret regarding what kind of work I m doing and what am I supposed to do because one should never run from the responsibilities. I’m happy that being a woman, I know how to fulfill my duties and ma ready for them at any point of time in my life happily. What makes me befuddled is the way I have started feeling about myself.

[I had never given an ear to what people has to say and even today I don’t give a damn… Something is missing terribly… I have waited whole life for the one…. And when I have … seems wait is still not over…]

But, but I’m not a smart working women and I am nothing in comparison to those girls who are office-goers rather a stay-at-home freelance writer. I, often feel too uncomfortable with myself thinking that I have lost charm and grace of my looks and have become lethargic.

Am I losing? Have I lost everything in life? Why I feel so left out and dejected all the time? What’s that I’m looking for? Or, is it true that I’m looking for something? Do I no more look good, charming, beautiful, and active the way I was? What’s happened to me?

Its way too easy to advice others but when it comes to oneself…

I have never accepted defeats from the circumstances, which life throws me into time and again yet why; now, I feel I have already lost the game. Seems I’ve grown old for everything, 25 years and 3 months as I am.

Know not where life will take me…. A humble request- do not make me die a living death Lord…I love living a lot…

aajkal jaise har pal hath se fisalta ja raha hai, muskuraye ja rahe hain ye honth jab ki dil behad udaas hai; na jane kis manjil ki talash mein bawra se naina thake ja rahe hain, yehi dilasa hai ki yahin hai woh, bas yahin toh hain….

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