Sunday, September 6, 2009

Everything's Gonna Be Alright!

“I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.”

-Anais Nin

Nothing great happening in life, except that I am working on my masters again. I know this would be one of the biggest tests I have to face in coming year. But, never mind, I have set my mind on it and I will definitely beat the ill-fate this time. Whatever may happen, I will study hard to get done with this MA. Enough of my mind’s vagaries and useless trifles! It’s just not happening!

I have evaded exams so much so that, I couldn’t clear them. It’s real tough to accept failure. I was so broken and shattered, even today I feel so but whatever, and I cannot lose my life just because I haven’t cleared an exam. My life is so precious and living above all is one gift which I know not will ever again be bestowed to me after this term gets over. So, instead of crying anymore I have accepted the fact with a hope that I can and I will change the situations.

I have my wedding in December and entire month will be busy in shuttling in between in-laws and mum’s home. And, these few months are the only time that I have left to be with my family. Exams will be in April 2010, and I am bit nervous as how ill I manage to study entire 16 papers of MA and clear them with stroke. I have shopping to do, attend parlor sittings, packing of stuffs, tend to my mum’s degrading health, and assist in everything at home being the eldest.

I have been facing such situation from long time now and have never been deterred by anything. But, the situations are different this time as I am about to leave my mum and move into an all together different world and set up a new life- begin afresh! This dread of losing that support of mum is gnawing at my guts.

I just hope mum gets well, and I can make sure that I have managed to organize everything at home in right order so that when I am gone she need not depend on anyone in the home to get something for her. I am trying to reorder and reorganize every shelf, every safe, trunk, and cupboard in such a way that she gets her necessary things in her reach. She cannot climb stairs to get a quilt for herself or bring down sewing machine on ground floor. I just hope I can manage everything along with my studies.

I am little upset that dad is not in Delhi and couldn’t spend some time with me. It’s been long we have been on good speaking terms with each other. Aah, the agony of growing young and those tiffs with dad regarding this or that taste of mine. I will miss his fights over taking first bite from my plate, which, earlier used to irritate me so much so that I used to keep my plate aside and fight with him first. I will miss his rocking his body over English songs every now and then to tease me. Oh, Papa, main kyun badhi hui?

Everything seems to be normal, Pinku going to office, Divya to her institute, mum getting on with her daily chores, yet everything has changed a lot. Mum keeps thinking all the time and smiles over anything I say or do. She reminisce over my childhood days, Pinku being little compromising and relenting to my demands nowadays, Divya collecting what all she can get hold on from my room. It gives me cramps to imagine, how bit by bit, I am getting away from ‘My-Mine’ to ‘They-Theirs.’

How difficult it is to accept that you will not be you in few days. It’s the same feeling as that of being fallen from a warm lap. How mum will live as of now I am with her every minute and after sometime I will no more be by her side whenever she wants me to be.

No more I will struggle to have space on my bed with Genie. Will she miss me? Will she be happy and glad to meet me when I will come on visit? How strange, with just one new relation in my life, I am going to become a visitor to my own house…

Deepak had always been supportive to me and will always be. I know! When I faltered he said:

“Deepak and Prachi are rock solid together and they can get over any situation. Believe me, Trust me. Believe yourself, Trust Yourself. Fill up the MA form without any negative thoughts and with a positive attitude. Aage jo hoga dekha jaeyga. Hum dono mil ker sab kuch sort out ker lenge.”

Lord, just give me strength enough to wade through such tough time unscathed…

ü Complete my MA with great score

ü Give best time to my family

ü Stay strong in all circumstances

Jab koi baat bigad jaye, Jab koi mushkil padh jaye

Tum dena sath mera oh hum nawan…