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Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Hope!


Rise like a Phoenix from the ashes. This is what I try to remind myself. It is usually when I gear my broken and torn wings together to take a flight afresh. But, a small jolt of wind threatens me. It stops me from coming out of my shell and face the world. It seems my senses have become too sensitive to respond to the outside world. It’s been long since I am in the closet.
I failed. No, it would be better to say, I have failed myself utterly when there was the chance of winning the game, just a step away. I could have achieved a lot but deterred myself and wasted my creative energy in pining and cribbing.  Now, time is gone far beyond imagination and I cannot stretch my hands to get even some fractions of it. Yet, the flame is still burning, deep within the heaps of ashes. Can you see the flickering light, it’s me still breathing. Yet, hope has not deserted me completely.
I’ll rise like a Phoenix from the ashes.

An Introspection- Desperately Required!

What do we understand by boredom? Is it a phase when you feel your senses are going numb and you have just nothing to do and think of? Or maybe it is a moment when you are not ready to come out of that hard coated shell of yours which shuns you entirely from the world of creativity. This is what boredom is for me. A forced deprivation from life around!
What I have understood so far is that nobody can ever be bored without initiating the process by them. You stop doing what is good and interesting just because of one reason or the other and then call life a damned job. Isn’t it? If this is not the case with you then maybe I am being too subjective. This is what happens with me. A slight incident or the accident in my doings may cause me to land into a state of utter depravity. I stop feeding myself with the new thoughts and ideas. Shun myself from the world around and people. Start hating everything and despising the very fact of being alive.
Negative thoughts and complexes have become most likeable sport these days. And, the fact is that I know what all is happening with me but there is something that’s stopping me from coming out of this utter delusional state of my mind. I am prone to all this forced exile from both the actual and virtual world. I start doubting people whom I love; I seek attention of everyone around me like a kid who doesn’t want its mother to leave its side and be a company to someone else. It’s horrible to know everything about yourself!
I hated this side of my character always but find it impossible to evade this behavioural flaw in me. At this age it’s still tolerable but what if I grew up into a frustrated old hag later in life. No wonder!