Monday, December 2, 2013


I haven’t scribbled in the journal, on blog, or even on any page; was very upset with myself. Had no idea what all is going on seemed there is nothing more to talk about. I have been involved at places so many, events umpteen yet had nothing in mind. I was everywhere but never in mind and soul. My soul went away from me, wandered over the yellow lanes, where streets seems to be laden with the dust of forgetfulness, carcass of life lurking in all the nooks and crannies, and that dull, obtuse landscape seemed to have diffused right into my heart without nudging me and made home.

Had been through lots of ups and downs, empathized, sympathized yet bored. Felt a if I’m losing grip of reality-while the only reality I perceived till date was only me.
It's heart wrenching to see yourself torn between you and you - the two YOU of your one physical entity.

Saturday, September 21, 2013

Tashu's First School Picnic

Saturday, 21 September 2013 at 11:11 Tashu had gone for picnic outside school premises today for the first time. My mind is so unsettled and I'm so apprehensive about how she would be doing. .. All should go well. She is favorite of her teachers so I am sure they would be taking good care of her and other kids too. Oh now I suddenly realize how difficult it used to be for ma to let me go for the picnic which ofcourse I went at the age of 13. My parents never let me go for picnics or school trips. First because they were always apprehensive about safety and wellbeing. Second most importantly because of economic constraints. I belong to a family where shelling money for such trips is pretty useless or I presume so. However, on contrary in case of my little sister she had always been allowed to go wherever she wanted to go yet she keeps cribbing like a horse whining for not being allowed to run free. .. lol she will eat me raw for this sure. Back to Tashu, though shradh, those days in Hindu religion you pay homage to your ancestors and deceased ones and not supposed to buy anything new. I went out all the way sacrificing rituals traditions and culture at the altar of mother's feelings and bought her a trouser and a top, shoes and some snacks for today's picnic. How much desperately I want to go and see how she is doing. Can't wait to pick her and know how much she enjoyed ... Shared with Memoires for Android

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

That Girl!

It’s easier to become an inspiration rather than a disciple. I have always observed that I am good at influencing people with small words and big thoughts. However, when it comes to me, my personal attitude towards life and its stratagems it’s all loose talk which I do to while away time. It’s a fancy job I do most of the time. I mean I love talking, discussing and learning things. I love to talk because I find people and their views interesting. I personally feel that when I listen to somebody ranting or bubbling or babbling I want it to be one on one i.e. I should see the person. This makes the conversations all the more interesting and enjoyable and makes me all the more a good listener. I like to see the gestures, expressions - mostly the meanings of the ejaculations are conferred by them rather than the words.

So, there was me listening to this girl from a small town. The small town is really small and is too distant as per my calculations in terms of so called sophisticated circles I associate myself with. Though, with means of modern technology nothing is distant these days.

Her parents have given their best to her – right from education to her lifestyle. Hailing from an economically sound family she has all the amnesties one can imagine. The girl has a mind of her own, speaks bold and blatant, not caring what people might be thinking and judging about her. She has her own set parameters for everyone around and never frets from giving her piece of mind if ever poked unnecessarily. Her personal life is quite public with her subtle FB updates, yet nobody including even relatives in the friend list has the cheek to question her. I really admire her for that. She must be in her what – early twenties and yet she is mature enough to handle her life so well. She is so polite, decent and well mannered you cannot expect her to be stern. Her eyes have that look which makes you feel mocked at, if you ever dare any silly notion or word slip out of your mouth when she is around. Her eyes speak – I dare you!

Her dressing tells you if not yet then wait some more I am definitely going to beat you in your own world. That gait telling you I am game to handle this city life on my own terms and still that curiosity that piercing gaze to unravel what more lie hidden from her.

Even that nonchalance telling I am still innocent about the game my subconscious has been playing on my mind.

I had been a bin for all her thoughts and view points on various subjects which I feel are yet not suitable for her age. But, you can’t blame the young dame; times have so bloody changed and the youth are all hacked out in between their family background and the city life.

She is quite ahead of her age when it comes to share your opinions. She can speak at length on subjects still unsuitable for a tender age. Be it sex or marriage or marital issues or ideologies. But what a clarity man, even sometimes I am confused about what I think and what I practice. She is not!

Wonder how far she will go – I am sure nobody can fool her. Seems this is what’s needed most in our species. Here, I quip again!

Monday, September 16, 2013

My Life – A Reverie It Is !

Most of the time it's my reveries that distract but believe me I so very much love to be lost like that. All day long to do nothing just sitting with eyes wide open, creating a web of weird possibilities, wonderful life and things the way I wish them to be or want.
It's just one of those crazy moments of my life when I feel "waah life ho toh aisi..."
Few days back I was imagining myself like a woman in her early thirties with a scarf tied around her head as a turban, wearing long flowing chequered skirt (black and beige) with a Huge belt on my waist with a prominent buckle White ruffled shirt resembling the ruffles in the hair flowing wayward because of those rapid walks I am taking in the room. One hand in the air gesturing what all I am thinking /composing and in the other in between the fingers is languidly held cigarette half smoked. Some sheets here and there in the air and a writing desk full of stationary, books, an open dictionary, a thesaurus bookmarked, a writer waiting to be addressed...
A window right behind the desk ajar... chair seems to be in waiting for long too... coffee ready to poison me after so many turns on the boiler.
A walking stick- my umbrella perching on the corner longingly staring half at the door and half towards me to coercing me Darling, let’s take a stroll before you madden us all out. Who all, I mocked and they right from door to window to ceiling to books to table for coffee and the almost frenzied hair shouted in unison “us”
What a weird imagination, but I love to live like that. May be would have loved to be lived that or have lived in some time like that....
“Sit in reverie and watch the changing color of the waves that break upon the idle seashore of the mind.
-          Longfellow

Monday, September 9, 2013

Tashu Taken To Hospital

Tashu is suffering from dry cough from past one month. We are giving her medicines and all yet you just cannot stop kids from doing and having everything. So, I stopped keeping water bottles in the fridge, now she would not be asking cold water to drink. She loves ice-cream and we're trying our best to not to let her see even one.
Last night we were out for dinner with friends. Catching up and all and Tashu had lots of fun. She didn’t get up in the morning for school. And, I let her sleep so that she doesn’t feel tired all the day long.
She woke up around 11:00 AM and asked for a Choco Pie. There is a limit to restrain your kid from everything. We in this age cannot just resist certain temptations how could we expect a child of 2.6 years to stop eating chocolates altogether. I complied with her request and went back to my work. She started coughing right after having it. I felt sad. Can’t help though! Suddenly I realized even I am feeling uneasy to breathe (my maid told me in the morning there is some very unusual odour in kitchen). I went to the kitchen and saw white mist and just couldn’t breathe and puked. When I came back Tashu was literally choking, reddened face smeared with tears and she puked almost everywhere in the room. I just took her to bathroom gave her a quick shower and meanwhile we both were short of breath.
I immediately called Deepak and we rushed to Max Hospitals emergency. They gave her a nebulizer for almost 30 minutes and then we met her Paediatrician Dr. Shishir Bhatnagar Whom I informed that she haven’t yet recovered from Dry cough, and this happened today. He was surprised that people still use such Pest control. He advised to get a chest X-Ray done.
When we showed X-Ray reports he exclaimed “I am not happy with the results, she has pneumonia patches” and prescribed meds for 9 days along with nebulizer for 5 days.
I just cannot sum up how it feels to see your child with that ridiculous looking mask over her face. It kills you. I know, it was just a nebulizer that helps in breathing easy still it’s some medical equipment they mount on your face - and it was over my beautiful little doll. I don’t know how many times I cursed the people who got the Pest control done (later I came to know it was our landlord).
Tashu is just 2.6 years and got exposed to the radiations of X-Ray. I cannot just simply erase the image of her fragile half naked from top body standing in front of X-Ray Machine. Dks and I were holding both her arms stretched horizontally. We were made to wear some radiation proof jackets and what about my little girl. My mind was plagued with so many thoughts in those moments of waiting. What Tashu might be thinking, she might be wondering what is all this they are doing to me and making me stand like that...
Every time I see my daughter in pain, the realization dawns on me how much it would have pained my Ma when she saw me crying in pain on regaining consciousness after my Caesarean. She must have felt so horrid and helpless on seeing her child being injected and operated... Nobody knows and can ever sum up the feelings of a mother whose entire life is her children – her flesh and blood. And, how ruthless we become when we grow old - our priorities, wishes, desires, and life. We hardly even think if our parents wouldn’t have been there, how we could even be able to ask/demand/raise our voices...

I am grateful to God for making me a parent to know what it is to be a parent and what all goes into giving birth and bringing up a child.

Friday, August 2, 2013

The Exile

I often get these compliments aka comments showered upon me by one or the other person, “you write well, keep it up!”; “your words have depth.”
Earlier such statements blown towards me used to work for at least three to four days duration, then for a day or so, and now for a few minutes and whoosh... no more I am inspired or even inclined to think that I want to or even sometime back wished to scribble a few words here and there.
For a few hours I am occupied in a real physical sense, tending to my daughter’s needs, husbands requirements, household, making daily calls to both of the mums (his and mine), talking to people who really need me to listen to them and then there is helluva lots of time where I can do something productive- like finish my client’s daily assignments, read a book, jot down in my journal- which gets changed every year without a word being added into it.
Phew! Nothing of the constructive and productive sorts happens- I have become slag, I am tired and exhausted mentally to a brink that now I want to have few days not just few minutes or hours to lay my head back on the chair and stare blankly at nowhere.
I cannot think with my eyes closed. If I have to visualize or think about something important I need to have my eyes open wide and staring at some blank space. I almost live a life of my imagination in that short span of staring. And the session is so orgasmic that, that need to make things happen in real gets quashed. I already have lived those moments and achieved those feats which I was wishing for before that ‘blank staring’. I don’t know I am making any sense of what I am talking about or not. It’s so difficult to make yourself understandable to others when you yourself get lost in the maze of your own reveries.
Today , Nanny asked me to write something for the FB page she has just started ‘Stripoff Slumber.’ I trust her words though. But.
Stripoff Slumber’ is one nice name for a group, which coaxes creative geniuses to shrug off the dust laden canvas and let some sunshine fall on it to blend lot many hues of the life and imagination on the board.
I wanted to tell her, tell her it’s no slumber it’s something beyond which is too difficult to get rid of. It’s that lack of confidence in oneself and...

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Lootera- A Poetic Reprise!

The movie trailers hitched me right from the onset. I have always liked  Sonakshi Sinha, and with this movie she has cemented long lasting loyalty. 

The chemistry between Ranveer Singh and Sonakshi is just awesome. Both did justice to their character. The retro backdrop of post independence era, loss of zamindari, vintage cars, sophisticated bong girl studied at Shanti Niketan- it's so mesmerizing. Shift from one time frame to other is subtle and smooth.
A young man in the guise of an archaeologist comes to a small village, charms not only the daughter but zamindar too. Allowed to stay in Haveli and then begins the clandestine relationship between the protagonists. Simple script with no rushed dialogue delivery. Lad is struck with guilt and tries to stay away, but love is such an intense and wild force,  it draws you in off guard. When hero surrenders to the forces of love intervenes the obligations and he absconds.
Better watch the movie to know what happens next.
While watching movie I was lost in the world of Varun (Ranveer Singh) & Pakhi (Sonakshi Sinha) - felt their passion , their pains, their love agony. it was a heart wrenching experience for me. Second half of movie transports you to Dalhousie - a beautiful snowcapped hamlet with a damsel in distress.
Lootera is not a hit and run case! It is a powerful statement in its own way.  A fierce opponent to masala movies.  This movie by Vikramaditya Motwane and music by Amit Trivedi is going to stay in your hearts.
Number "sanwaar lun" sung by Monali Thakur is fantastic. "hawa kr jhonke aaj mausamon se ruth gaye...." beautiful lyrics by Amitabh Bhattacharya.
Another song 'monta re' sung by Swanand Kirkire and Amitabh Bhattacharya has appealing music
- it will sure make you smile.
"In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and see how the pattern improves"
Lootera is full of such beautiful silences. Go have a plunge!  :)

Friday, May 31, 2013

100 BBC Reading List

 Friday, November 26, 2010 at 5:17pm
Have you read more than 6 of these books? The BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed here.
Instructions: Copy this into your NOTES.
Bold those books you've read in their entirety.
Italicize the ones you started but didn't finish or read only an excerpt.
Tag other book nerds. Tag me as well so I can see your responses! Feel free to add comments too.

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen 
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien 
Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte 
Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee 
6 The Bible 
Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte  
Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell 
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman 
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott  
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy 
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller  
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare 
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier 
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien 
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulks
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger  
19 The Time Traveller’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot 
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens 
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck 
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy 
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis 
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis 
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres 
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell 
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meaney - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood 
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding  
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel 
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens 
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon 
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt 
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie 
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell 
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazu Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry 
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad 
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks 
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl 
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

Comment: This is unfair and shortsightedness of BBC to assume that people may not have read more than 6.
Nanny has read 30 books, and for my part I have:
32 read;
79- few chapters left;
75- read half of it almost thrice but seems couldn't complete it ever; exhausts me completely;
47- read only 40-50 pages
39- 30-40 pages left
32- left in the middle
24 & 27- just few chapters
14- many still left
8- pick, read, and drop in between
6- few parts & chapters for reference; genesis complete
4- first three novels complete and remaining ones yet untouched

From Nanny to Nicky!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 at 12:56pm
To the mother-to-be :)

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've had a baby.....
somebody doesn't know that once you're a mother, 'normal' is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct ...
somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring ....
somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a good' mother, your child will 'turn out good'....
somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother....
somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can't love the second child as much as you love the first ....
somebody doesn't have two children.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery....
somebody never watched her 'baby' get on the bus for the first day of kindergarten ...
or on a plane headed for military 'boot camp.'

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married....
somebody doesn't know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home....
somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her....
somebody isn't a mother.

Love you Nanny! :) 

First Wedding Anniversary

Friday, December 10, 2010 at 10:37am
It was in November 2005, I first met you online. And, since then there is no looking back.  Leaving you didn’t work. You were present everywhere-in my imagination, thoughts, and even in places which we discussed during our long long chats. It seemed as if your shadow or some part of you existed everywhere, lurked behind me where I went.

It was in December 2008, we met once again. Only this time to get into a long lasting relationship!

It was in December 2010, we got into wedlock.

Happy Anniversary to us my love!
May we always receive God’s blessing!

15 Books That Will Stick To End...Mine?

Monday, July 6, 2009 at 5:23pm
Rakhi tagged me so roping myself in.

How to minimize the count was an issue with me...yet somehow I managed to come up with number 15. Here It Goes Folks!

1. Suraj Ka Saatvaan Ghoda (The Seventh Horse Of The Sun) by Dharamvir Bharti
2. Love In The Of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez (Spanish, 1985; English 1988)
3. Gone With The Wind by Margaret Mitchell (1936)
4. The Shadow Lines by Amitav Ghosh (1988)
5. Waiting For Godot by Samuel Becket
6. Heart Of Darkness by Joseph Conrad (1902)
7. Old Man And The Sea by Ernest Hemingway (1952)
8. Cancer Ward by Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn (1967)
9. Things Fall Apart by Chinua Achebe (1958)
10. The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini (2003)
11. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius (1st to 3rd AD?)
12. The Diary Of A Young Girl by Anne Frank(1947)
13. The Color Purple by Alice Walker (1982)
14. Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov (1955)
15. A Room Of One’s Own by Virginia Woolf (1929)

Wizard Of Oz- L. Frank Baum (1900)- One of the Book I can never separate with

Memories To Be Cherished

Saturday, October 3, 2009 at 12:05am
There is always some specific incident or the choice or a thing that reminds us of someone with whom we had been friends or spent some good or bad times. The person can be a passerby, a short term acquaintance, or even someone with whom we are in never ending relationship.

Dear all, I would like to know something which reminds you of me. It can be a habit, an attitude, a style, a taste, a feeling, and even a moment.

Flip-flops, White bag, CCD lounge, remind me of Nanny as if she is the brand ambassador of them.
Pink color, know not why, mostly reminds me of Tina. May be because she is the one who looked best in the color and I had seen her in the same during PR days (Beginning ones).
Evening walks- I miss Trishna terribly. During my entire grads, we used to go for evening walk.
Wooden houses remind me of Pamela’ hazurbua’s place where he used to live into the same boundary just next to the pukka house. Isn’t it Pamela?
Every series on Fox History makes me think- Mani ko toh sab malum hoga…I have never found any voice impressive as his (except-Naseeruddin Shah & Gulzaar)
Purple color- Megha
hai hai coconut chutney-Prema
School days-Hemant
Cozy cozy pillow talks with Sonal
Vibhor used to make me recall my Lecturer Hemant Sharma- similar stature, wavy hair, nonchalant
And so on…

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