Friday, August 2, 2013

The Exile

I often get these compliments aka comments showered upon me by one or the other person, “you write well, keep it up!”; “your words have depth.”
Earlier such statements blown towards me used to work for at least three to four days duration, then for a day or so, and now for a few minutes and whoosh... no more I am inspired or even inclined to think that I want to or even sometime back wished to scribble a few words here and there.
For a few hours I am occupied in a real physical sense, tending to my daughter’s needs, husbands requirements, household, making daily calls to both of the mums (his and mine), talking to people who really need me to listen to them and then there is helluva lots of time where I can do something productive- like finish my client’s daily assignments, read a book, jot down in my journal- which gets changed every year without a word being added into it.
Phew! Nothing of the constructive and productive sorts happens- I have become slag, I am tired and exhausted mentally to a brink that now I want to have few days not just few minutes or hours to lay my head back on the chair and stare blankly at nowhere.
I cannot think with my eyes closed. If I have to visualize or think about something important I need to have my eyes open wide and staring at some blank space. I almost live a life of my imagination in that short span of staring. And the session is so orgasmic that, that need to make things happen in real gets quashed. I already have lived those moments and achieved those feats which I was wishing for before that ‘blank staring’. I don’t know I am making any sense of what I am talking about or not. It’s so difficult to make yourself understandable to others when you yourself get lost in the maze of your own reveries.
Today , Nanny asked me to write something for the FB page she has just started ‘Stripoff Slumber.’ I trust her words though. But.
Stripoff Slumber’ is one nice name for a group, which coaxes creative geniuses to shrug off the dust laden canvas and let some sunshine fall on it to blend lot many hues of the life and imagination on the board.
I wanted to tell her, tell her it’s no slumber it’s something beyond which is too difficult to get rid of. It’s that lack of confidence in oneself and...